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3 Reasons That B*tch Called Depression Pisses Me Off

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Let me start off by pointing out that this will be my first time publicly writing about depression. To be honest, I never really wanted to give it the attention it craves by writing it down. On the other hand, however, there are some things that just need to be said.

I first realized that my emotional phases were no longer, well, phases when I was in college. During those four exciting years, the stress and chaos that came with classes, extracurriculars and having a social life really taught me about myself. It also unveiled my severe anxiety which was the perfect complement to depression.

That’s when things became tough.

At the time, depression was easy to battle, even if it was only temporary. Balance your schedule, free your mind, skip class and sleep. Sure, I lost some friends and ended relationships. However, I did survive. Barely.

Fast-forward a few years. Here I am now. Depression has since become a part of who I am.

I hate every single moment of it.

Of course, a difficult battle like this is one that no one in their right mind would love. Sure, you learn about yourself, you grow, you savor those happy moments. But the downsides…

Oh, the downsides.

1. Wherefore art thou, motivation?

Don’t get me wrong, I perform just fine at work. I’ve learned how to put depression aside (knock on wood) when I’m in the office, at least for the most part. Staying busy and feeling accomplished sure helps. However, that’s not the motivation I’m lacking.

Going out, seeing my friends, socializing, mingling. Nope, not on my agenda. I only feel comfortable being with a few people, most of whom are family members.

I try to amp myself up. I make plans, I buy fresh outfits. Then, when the time comes, into bed I go. Seriously, what the hell?

I’ve tried so hard to get over this. It sure feels impossible sometimes. If I do finally muster up the motivation to do something, I am mentally exhausted right after. I am in my mid-20s. This should not be happening.

2. Confidence — is there such a thing?

This one kind of goes hand-in-hand with the above. I’m certain that a higher level of self-confidence would boost my motivation levels, at least just a bit. But damn, depression sure knows how to make you feel worthless. I’m not even sure the right words exist to help me explain this (without it looking like I am begging for compliments, of course).

Even though I work in social media and think it’s a great tool for brands, I somewhat blame Facebook and Instagram for low levels of confidence for those of us struggling. There’s nothing worse than feeling down about yourself and then scrolling through your feeds and comparing yourself to everyone.

3. Relationships? Don’t even get me started.

When I say relationships, I mean both romantic and platonic.

In the romantic sense, if I’m not feeling confident or motivated, how can I ever be the best version of myself? That’s not fair to any partner. And, to be frank, it’s not fair to me. I know I have a lot to give, but depression (that bitch) really holds me back.

When it comes to friends… I don’t even know what to say. That feeling of, “Oh, they’ll probably have more fun without me there” isn’t just something you read about. It’s true. I can’t even count the number of times I’ve stayed in rather than going out because I get too nervous. What if they all are doing better than I am? What if they’re happier? What if they all received promotions, fell in love, traveled? They’ll look to me and I’ll have nothing to say.

Which leads me to the next thing…

I am awesome. And I know it. Depression refuses to let me admit it.

I told my therapist last year that the thing that annoyed me the most about depression is how it doesn’t ever let me appreciate what I have.

I have a wonderful job, amazing friends, the best family in the entire world, my dream dog and experiences that many people would kill for.

Now, why can’t I enjoy it?

It pisses me off for many reasons. It makes me seem ungrateful, which couldn’t be further from the truth. It gives me resting bitch face (seriously guys, it’s a thing) when I should be laughing so hard that I cry.

Feeling lonely, anxious, bitter and embarrassed when I should be skipping and whistling… it royally sucks. These feelings ruin so many good things in life and they do nothing but create unnecessary obstacles.

An actual problem in life? Hold on tight.

If depression has the nerve to make the good things seem bad, it does a fantastic job making the bad things unbearable… more unbearable than they should be.

Arguments? Oy. Breakups? Forget about it.

The silver lining here is that it sure as hell helps you create a tough exterior shell and, I will admit, it makes you stronger in the end.

I wish I could sign off this note with a cure. I can try to give advice but nearly anything I could say would be awfully hypocritical. The only thing I can think to say is that, if you’re reading this, I assume you’re fighting that bitch called depression with me.

It’s nice to know I am not alone.

Photo by Christian Fregnan on Unsplash

Originally published: February 1, 2019
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