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When Depression Makes Showering the Hardest Thing to Do

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I haven’t showered in five days. And as much as I am ashamed to admit that, I have to bow down and give a big chapeau bas to the big depression monster living inside me. After all, showering takes just a moment, and I’m not even tenting on a music festival where baby wipes win over a ridiculously long communal shower queue. I’m not homeless. Or hurt. My bathroom is literally in the room next to me.

Nothing real to grasp is stopping me from cleaning my hair and my body, except for that funny feeling, that weird colossal heaviness that makes it seem like the most excruciating task in the world. And keeps on whispering: Tomorrow. Later. Not now.

Winning over me for five days already.

And that’s not just it, that’s not where it ends.

It’s alright to forgive yourself for a day — maybe even two — if you’re not that active and you have a fair stock of dry shampoo. But then you feel bad. Breakouts appear. You start wondering whether you stink. You start avoiding people. You don’t feel fresh. Unhealthy. And still not strong enough to do that one simple thing. The monster wins.

I don’t know how to beat the monster, but simple logic tells me to stop feeding it. One battle at a time, I guess. Until someday, somewhere, hopefully, I’ll be strong enough to take on a bigger war. Don’t listen to the whispers, and if you need to force yourself to do one thing a day: shower.

Even if sometimes it feels like the hardest thing on earth to do.

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Getty image via KatarzynaBialasiewicz


Originally published: November 22, 2017
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