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The Conversation I Have With My Depression Before I Hang Out With My Friends

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T-Minus Eight Hours Until a Hangout

I need to get out of bed. If I get out of bed now I can get my laundry done, and maybe even call my parents back. Crap, I actually have a few missed calls. I got this. I just need to pull this blanket off of me, swing my legs out the bed, and go do what I have to do. 

Actually, I have eight hours. I can nap for two more. I’m still so tired and my body is so fatigued. It shouldn’t be because all I do is work from home, but it’s still work. Things have also been a little rough lately too. I deserve this rest.

T-Minus Six Hours Until a Hangout

It’s the afternoon. I still have time to get ready. I know my friends want to see me, but the longer I lay here the more I want to cancel. They know I’ve been going through it, so they shouldn’t be upset, right?

But what if they are? What if they stop inviting me to things. I’ll lose all the people who love me. I need to go. If I set my alarm a little earlier than I planned, I can still get everything I need done. I’ll just rest my eyes a little more.

T-Minus Four Hours Until a Hangout

They probably wouldn’t even notice I’m not there. I’m pretty forgettable anyways. I don’t contribute much to the conversation, and my anxiety makes it so I don’t enjoy all the same things and places they do. I’m a burden and I’m just going to ruin the night. I always do. It’s for the best if I don’t go. I’ll tell them later though. I’m still exhausted. 

T-Minus Two Hours Until a Hangout

What if I’m wrong and they want me there? I may hurt their feelings and the last thing I want to do is do that. I love them too much. Crap. Why can’t I just be excited about these things like everyone else? If I pull myself together right now, I can put make-up on and look cute so I don’t step out looking like a gremlin who hasn’t seen the sun since Obama was president. 

I can wear that one dress. It’s simple and casual enough. That’s if I go, which I don’t know if I’m going to. I can text them in 30 minutes and let them know my decision. Maybe I should tell them I may not come and see their answer? Yeah. I’m going to do that.

T-Minus an Hour and a Half Until a Hangout

They’re understanding. They get it. They love me, that’s what they say, but what if they’re lying. Shit. Now I feel horrible. Ugh. OK. I’m going to go. I’ll get ready in 10 minutes.

T-Minus 30 Minutes Until a Hangout

Shit now I’m running late. OK, I’m going to get ready now. Please tell me they don’t hate me. I always do this. I hope they aren’t mad. This better be worth it.

T-Minus One Hour After a Hangout

Fine. I’ll admit it. I’m happy I went. I’m so thankful my friends love me.

Getty image by demaerre

Originally published: July 1, 2022
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