What I Want to Tell My Demons and Fellow Warriors
Dear Anxiety and Depression,
You have taken bits out of me, both literally and figuratively. You make it difficult to get out of bed and then make me feel bad for staying there. I can’t win because even if I drag myself up and shower and get dressed and try and do everything right, you still tell me I’m a waste of space.
Because I talk too much. Because I talk too little. Because my smile is too wide. Because I’m too grumpy. Because I sound “stupid.” Because I don’t deserve to be here. Because my face is too ugly. Because my forehead is too big. Because the big purple eye bags make me look permanently exhausted. You leave me constantly exhausted. My thighs are too big, my hair too frizzy and the scars reminders of my history. You like to remind me how many mistakes I have made and that I’m just not doing good enough whenever I give you a chance.
Both your voices trap me in the prison of my own mind. Screaming and yelling your opinions so loudly and frequently that I can’t tell the difference between you and me anymore. You’re always there and you have thoughts on everything. You never stop. You have pushed me over the edge more than once. But you will not win — that, I can promise you. I’m still here and I’m still fighting.
To the reader/fellow warriors,
They say it gets easier. Some days, it feels impossible. Other days, I feel as though I am getting a foothold. But this is a battle I have been fighting for years so it was never going to be easy to conquer.
If you are, like me, currently fighting your demons, then I send a hug to you. It’s an incredibly difficult battle. Some days fighting just means nothing more than keeping yourself safe. Other days, it means doing things that terrify you — like asking for help. But remember this: Every step makes you stronger, regardless of the direction. Because the fact you made the step means you’re still fighting. You learn something from every step.
Keep fighting. We will get there one day. Take care of yourself; you’re worth it. Step by step and you’re doing good. I promise.
All my love xx
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