To the Friends Who Don't Understand My Depression
To the friends who don’t understand my depression.
I am sorry. I am sorry I am not the friend you deserve sometimes. I am sorry I go weeks without answering your calls or calling you back. I am sorry I disappear from all forms of social media and become uncontactable. I am sorry this frustrates you and makes you annoyed. I am sorry my apologies and explanation that I’ve been out of contact because of my head space isn’t something that sits well with you.
I am sorry I have to write this, but you need to understand.
The truth is, when I get so low like that, I physically can’t respond or talk to you. To anyone. My brain is so fuzzy and clouded that I can barely remember to eat, drink or bathe. My body feels like led, and my stomach is in constant knots from anxiety and tension. I am exhausted yet can’t sleep because my mind doesn’t switch off. It is like being stuck in a really shitty Groundhog Day. I can’t even tell you when I will feel like this or how long it will last because I don’t even know myself. Yes, I am on medication that helps. But no medication helps me when it gets bad.
When you tell me I never say I am good and happy when you ask me how I am, please know it is because I am not wanting to burden you further with my problems or the dark side of my depression. This is another reason why messages and calls go unanswered.
Yes, I try meditation. Yes, I try to be mindful. Yes, I listen to Eckhart Tolle and other motivational things. Yes, I try and do something instead of lay in a dark room alone. But please understand that when I do this, it is because I do not have the mental, physical, or emotional strength to do anything else.
I try really hard and I fight every single day to keep my head above water — particularly at the moment. I don’t want people to see this side of me, which is why I don’t let anyone know when I am in so deep I feel like I can’t breathe. Maybe this is where I’ve gone wrong. To the outside world I am always happy and making jokes. But inside I feel like I am dying and a fraud.
So please try and understand. Please don’t berate me or ignore me. This makes me feel worse.
Please understand. And just be there when I come out of it. Because it isn’t personal. And it isn’t intentional. It is my life with depression and anxiety. And I am dealing with it the best way I know how.
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Thinkstock photo by Bartek Szewczyk
Mental health awareness and suicide prevention advocate. I believe we have the power to help others by sharing our own stories. We need to make mental health mainstream and screw the taboo. The stigma attached to mental health is why people don’t speak up and reach out, and this needs to change.
erin-m