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I Wish You Could See That I'm Trying

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I wish so badly that people who do not have a mental health issue could understand, we are trying. We are trying to be “better.” We are trying to be “normal.” But sometimes, we just can’t.

I speak solely from my own personal experience, but I know I want nothing more than to be able to function again. I’m currently going two weeks without eating, I’m a month into just sitting in the same spot doing nothing, and I’m starting to sleep in and take more naps. A depressive episode has arrived, and it’s taking me hostage.

I can hear you saying that I just need to get better. I can hear the encouragement you’re trying to speak. However, it’s not helping matters much. I’ve already got this immense pressure I’ve put on myself to get better. Hearing from someone else that I need to start trying only drives me deeper into shame and depression.

I’m trying so hard, and the only thing I can do is to switch seats and sit on the opposite side of my patio. I’m trying to get out and do things, but then I end up spending money I don’t have to spend. I want so badly to be self-sufficient and take care of myself, but depression has stolen my identity.

It’s like I’m being held hostage. I can see myself tied up in a chair in a dark room. I’ve lost the will to fight against the chains. I can see my depression walking around as myself, living a miserable life. I can see everyone else enjoying themselves, and I can see you looking at me with pity.

“No one can do it for you. You have to help yourself.” I know this more than you think I do. But I currently am not in the position to help myself. I don’t have enough strength to even consider helping myself. All I can do is sit here and watch life pass me by. I want so badly to make those in my life proud. I want to make myself proud. At this moment, I can’t.

Please, be patient with me. This has been the worst year of my life, and while it seems to slowly be getting better, my mental health is controlling me. Everything I do all day is about it. Whether I’m trying to help myself or trying to creatively express myself, it all comes back to the same issues.

I know that soon, I will have strength again. But I can’t force it. I can’t just make it happen. I have to be patient and let depression run its course. I can try seeing about adjusting my medication, but that’s about all I have control over.

So, again, please be patient with me. I’m trying my hardest. I can’t even tell if this post makes any sense or not. But I hope it does because I just so desperately want you to know that some days just getting out of bed and having coffee is the best I can offer.

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Stock photo by johnnymix

Originally published: November 7, 2016
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