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It Hurts to Not Know Why I'm Depressed

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No, I don’t know why I can spend months appearing fine and then all of a sudden have a meltdown.

I’ve looked for the outside triggers, tried to recognize the signs before it happens, but the truth is I never know when it’s going to strike.

I could be rushed off my feet at college or at work when all I need is a rest.

But I could just be lying in bed when everything speeds up around me to the point where I feel nauseous.

You don’t understand it, but that’s OK because neither do I.

I have no idea why I can wake up crying, the fear of the upcoming new day hitting me like a punch to the stomach. It physically hurts to be like this.

But it’s the not knowing why that makes it so much harder.

So please know, this will pass, as it always does. Maybe in a few minutes, hours, days, weeks or even months. And you’ll think I’m back to my old self.

But in reality, it’s just calmed down enough to be tolerable.

I don’t know when it’ll all get too much for me again, so please, be patient.

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Thinkstock photo by razyph

Originally published: December 12, 2016
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