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A Letter to My Faithful Companion, Depression

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It’s that friend you wish you never befriended. The person you just can’t seem to get away from. The constant reminder of how much of a failure you are. A distant and unwanted presence you carry within yourself.

Hi Depression,

Welcome back, I thought everything was going well. I was lying in bed for the first time in a while, smiling, happy with myself. Then, you came along and ruined it once again. You pressured all the negativity into my mind: “They hate you,” “How could he like someone like you?” “Stop being happy and realize you don’t deserve it.” It’s like you always get in the way of my happiness and make me realize my brightest days are just dreams that only last until the nightmare takes over.

I was hoping you gave up, like I did. Unwilling to tear me down any further, you left me alone and moved on. Clearly, I was mistaken. You came back like a rush of cold air, blowing through every flaw I have and created more, the ones I must have missed the times before.

You were there when nobody else was, the times I would rather have been alone. I broke so many times because you laid heavy upon my back and gave me no breathing room. You tied my hands so tightly together, I couldn’t escape from the game of Cops and Robbers. I was forever the prisoner.

You gave me a home. However, that place was nothing but sadness and grief. It was to the point where I knew I didn’t belong, here nor there. I didn’t know if I belonged within my own body, as if I was just a waste of air.

Air, my breath turned from warmth into ice cold frost. I was a soul that could not be mended by a needle and thread. Only if my hands would stop shaking from my fears, I could put the thread through the tiny hole of reality. I wanted to give up. I breathe so suddenly as I am holding on to every second and cherish it until you come back.

You destroyed me, broke me from my friends and family and left me here to defend for myself and pick up the pieces you left behind. I know you’ll be back, maybe within minutes, maybe even tonight. I’ll lie in bed and wait for you because no matter what happens, you always come back.

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 Image via Thinkstock.

Originally published: December 9, 2016
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