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To the Girls Who Dated My Depression

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Dear you, the girl who dated my depression;

You are one of the people who I found solace and comfort in. You are a rainbow that brought your own color into the black, white and grey I live within. Whether you were the blue, the red, the yellow or the purple for the time period we called each other “one,” you were my colors, my wind, my music.

And to you, I say I’m sorry.

To you I say I’m sorry because you are the one who had to deal with the late night texts and drunken phone calls. You were the one who had to pick up the pieces over quite literally the milk I spilled. You were the one who had to tape the bandages, kiss the wounds and push yourself to hold my hand a little harder when all you wanted to do was let it go. You were the only place I put my secrets and the only caveat I drew my confidence from. You faced every day with my self-hatred and my constant and consistent badgering because I was terrified you had found someone better over the lid of your early morning coffee.

You are the one who stayed as long as you could before my life, my insecurities, became too much to bear; and to save your own heart, you walked away from me, leaving mine in shambles, my bed cold,and my head wrought that I must have done something wrong.

But I didn’t. You had to protect yourself, and for that I’m sorry.

I want to say thank you and that I appreciated and loved you in ways I never believed I could. From the multi-color hair to the very tips of your toes that often laid on my feet, I say thank you. Our time together, whether brief or a lifetime, was one I will forever cherish because it taught me I am lovable despite my faults and failures as I so readily believe thanks to my depression. I say thank you for taking up arms to fight my demons for me when I could not see. I say thank you for holding back my monsters. I say thank you for a debt I can never repay.

So, to you, who at one time was dating my depression, I say sorry and I say thank you.

You were one of many who have left my heart in pieces, but through you I have learned how to put my own heart back together.


The Boy Who Couldn’t Find a Way to Make You Stay

Originally published: March 28, 2017
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