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To the Man Who Didn't Know I Would Have Depression and Anxiety

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Dear Husband,

When we met nearly eight years ago, there were lots of things you didn’t know.

Groom looking at bride

You didn’t know I was afraid of people touching my knees. You didn’t know when I laugh too much, I start to shiver. You didn’t know the same happens when I cry too much.

You didn’t know when I get annoyed, I growl. You didn’t know that my favorite “Fruit Pastille” is the purple one. You didn’t know I would choose to watch a Disney film over anything thought-provoking. You didn’t know I am ridiculously easily influenced by advertising. You didn’t know I am terrified of “Furbies.”

You didn’t know when we’d share a portion of chips, we’d fit perfectly, because I don’t like the crispy ones and you do. You didn’t know I would get a revolting kidney infection that would basically knock me out for a week and a half. You didn’t know after a while, we’d fall in love. You didn’t know we’d grow to adore each other. You didn’t know we’d marry.

You didn’t know on November 13, 2015 we would begin a journey together that would be the darkest we have ever taken.

You didn’t know I would get depressed. You didn’t know I would struggle with debilitating anxiety. You didn’t know I would stare at the walls, wondering why I even existed. You didn’t know I would refuse to leave the house for days or that you would have to coax me into the shortest of walks. You didn’t know I would lie awake all night and sleep all day. You didn’t know I would fall out of love – not with you, but with life. You didn’t know I would cry uncontrollably, so much so that I shivered. You didn’t know you’d have to comfort me from evils you couldn’t see and couldn’t understand. You didn’t know I would hate you for not understanding. You didn’t know I would battle my thoughts every day and that I would push you away.

Screen Shot 2016-12-02 at 10.07.50 AM

But when we got married in August, you did know. You knew it all. You knew where we had been and knew how far we still had to come. You knew everything and you stood beside me and promised to go through it all again.

It’s been a year today since we began our journey to hell and back. We’re not there yet. Sometimes, we take pit stops. Sometimes, we turn around. Sometimes, the only honest answer to “Are we there yet?” is “I don’t know.” But knowing I don’t have to face the road alone is the best comfort. And I know I don’t always show it, but I will do everything I can to show you how grateful I am. Life now is unrecognizable. So much has changed in the last year.

Thank you, husband, for not knowing, but still being. We’re not there yet, but we’ll get there. Thank you for holding my hand through it all. Thank you for walking through it with me.

Follow this journey on Upon My Desk.

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All photos courtesy of Peter Reynolds Photography.

Originally published: December 6, 2016
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