To My Parents, Who Don’t Think Kids Can Have Depression
Hey Mum, Dad.
You guys are awesome, always.
But I’m sorry, because of my depression. I know you think kids can’t have depression. I’m sorry I have to prove you wrong, because I am depressed.
I never wanted to be. I know you’ve always seen me so happy and hat’s what everyone thinks I am, but in complete honesty, I want you to know I’m not completely OK. Sometimes I am, but I’m not going to be OK all day, or every day. I know you always want to be supportive, no matter how shocked you might be.
I’m super glad you have the unconditional love that probably kept me going sometimes. But there are other times when maybe you might say something that hurts, and it’s only because you don’t know how I feel sometimes.
My depression is like a fog in my brain, and my brain has bright, sunny, clear days, or days that are overcast, and some are thunderstorms. Those dark, rainy days are when the fog is the most present in my head, and I wish I could hide that fog down deep. But I can’t.
So I just want you to know these things about that fog.
My depression makes me tired. It exhausts me. I hate it so much, but I can’t help it. When I’m sluggish, or not responding to your questions, it’s not me being lazy. I never, ever want to disappoint you, and when I’m like this, it’s not because I don’t want to do something — it’s because I can’t. Even when you yell, sometimes your voice goes in one ear and out the other. I don’t understand what you’re saying. I am sorry if you hate repeating things, and I never wanted you to have to do that. It’s just hard, some days, to focus on and comprehend anything.
When I seem frustrated, it’s not because I’m mad at you. I am never truly mad at you, just as you say you’re never mad at me either. It’s only because I’ve got some things running through my brain and through all the fog. I sometimes raise my voice, and I’m very sorry. I know what it’s like to feel emotionally hurt and I don’t want to ever be the cause of that to you. So, I’m not really mad; it’s just that I need a bit of space.
If I’m doing something relaxing, like lying on my bed for no reason (usually meditating), or playing music, it’s my calming process. It’s the way I keep myself sane and it’s a way to stay in control of my emotions. I don’t want to seem like I’m doing no work, but I am doing quite a lot. I’m actually a straight-A student, who’s doing a bunch of extracurricular activities, but being so busy sometimes gets to me. I know you want me to be successful and I agree with you. But I am still depressed and I need this relaxation time so I can be successful and happy.
There are a few more things I have on my list, like letting me manage things on my own before you intervene because I need a way to feel good about myself, and not comparing the way you grew up to the way I’m being raised. I didn’t choose this generation to be born in, nor did I choose which family to be born in, or what gender I am, or any of that.
I just want to make sure we can all know what’s happening, and I want to keep you happy because you guys truly are amazing people. I can’t imagine being born with different parents. I love you. I hope you always know that.
Photo by Oscar Keys on Unsplash