I Live With Anxiety and Depression – and I'm Scared to 'Get Better'

Every day, I try to motivate myself to get better. Depression and anxiety take over my life on most days, and they try to make my decisions for me. I’m trying to change that. I want to be in control of my thoughts and actions, but there is something stopping me. There is something that prevents me from wanting to get better.

Me.

I’m scared out of my mind to get better. These feelings of worry, sadness and anxiousness are normal for me. I know how to experience these emotions on a daily basis. I’ve been dealing with them my whole life.

How am I supposed to act when I don’t have these feelings or thoughts anymore? What does feeling accepted feel like? What does it feel like for my brain to be calm?

I have no idea.

I want to get better every day because people tell me I should. I should want to feel “normal.” I do want to feel “normal,” but in doing that, I have to step out of my comfort zone. That’s where my anxiety kicks in. Getting better is like seeing the world in a perspective I have never experienced before. This is all I know.

I want to know what it feels like to actually want to get out of bed and take on the day. I want to know what confidence feels like. I want to know I’m crying for a reason and not just because of my illness. Yet, there it is again. The wall.