Depression is a weight. It feels like a small child sitting on my shoulders or riding piggyback on me. An apt comparison would be like to “Star Wars: The Empire Strikes Back,” where Yoda clings onto Luke’s back. However, my depression is not like Yoda, giving me encouragements or teaching me how to wield some great power. Instead, it just weighs me down.
I wish my depression was like Yoda instead. Sure, the messages would be cryptic and occasionally frustrating, but at least I would gain something out of what it would be telling me. Instead, I get messages like this:
Worthless, are you.
Like you, nobody does.
Easier, death would be.
Admittedly, these thoughts don’t usually sound like Yoda, but I couldn’t resist. The point is, I don’t like what depression tells me. This creature clinging to my back doesn’t help me. It just tells me that nothing I do is good enough.
It’s important to recognize this Yoda-like creature doesn’t always get the last word though. I can prove that smug little beast wrong.
When it tells me I have no friends, I just have to remind myself of all the posts on Facebook that my friends tag me in or the texts where they ask me to hang out, without me even initiating the conversation. When it tells me I don’t do anything right, I can look at my A-grade papers from school and be confident clearly I did something right. When it tells me I’m ugly, I just have to remember I’m constantly getting compliments on my smile, my eyes and my tattoos.
I like to imagine that if I actually had Yoda on my back instead of depression, he’d tell me things like, “Filled with greatness, are you.” He’d also probably make me sneeze.
As someone with depression, I must say that Yoda was wrong about one thing: “Do or do not, there is no try.” This doesn’t apply to me. When I’m having one of my low days, trying can take everything I have. Even if I don’t succeed, trying can be good enough. Sorry, Yoda.
If you or someone you know needs help, visit our suicide prevention resources page.
If you need support right now, call the Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-8255 or text “START” to 741-741.
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I’m a writer who spends far too much time watching TV, drinking coffee, playing D&D, and trying to find sushi. If I’m not doing any of those things, I’m either actually writing or working with the kiddos in an autism program as a paraeducator.
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