To the Nurse Who Made Me Believe Everything Was Going to Be OK
A couple years ago, my psychiatrist ordered me to get blood work done. Tears welled up in my eyes upon hearing this. I hate needles and I had already gotten so much blood drawn and they kept losing the paperwork — I didn’t want to do this one more time. They thought maybe my depression was coming from an autoimmune disease and wanted to check my thyroid levels. I just wanted to get the hell out of there. My mom was in the room and I didn’t dare cry in front of her. She dragged me straight from the psychiatrist’s office to a clinic so we could get the blood work over with.
Everything in my life was crashing down around me. This was only about a month after I had come dangerously close to ending my life for the second time. I had recently tried to stop cutting myself and I was always on edge around my parents. I wanted to show them I was OK. I didn’t want them to worry. But nothing felt right. Nothing was going right. I just wanted to break down and cry and wake up to everything being OK.
But instead, I was sitting in the waiting room to have a needle stuck in my arm. The nurse called me back, alone and the anxiety began. She wiped off my arm, as I looked away. She reassuringly told me it was going to be OK.
And then, I broke. I don’t remember if it was before or after the blood was drawn, but the tears came down like a waterfall. “It’s OK. It’s going to be OK. You’re OK. It’s OK.” The nurse repeated these words to me over and over which just brought even more tears to fall because there was not anything I needed to hear more than that. She had no idea I was struggling with depression, but her words calmed me down. They made me feel OK. She made me feel OK. She offered me some tissues on the way out and gave me hug.
I doubt this message will ever get to her, but she gave me hope. And to this day, I can hear her words in my head on the dark days and I know it’s going to be OK. It’s OK.
If you struggle with self-harm and you need support right now, call the crisis hotline at 1-800-273-8255 or text “START” to 741-741. For a list of ways to cope with self-harm urges, click here.
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