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The Void of Depression and Anxiety

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I’m in the grasp of the void.
The darkness that consumes me.
The feelings that overwhelm me.
The numbness that kills me.
I’m definitely in the grasp of the void.

It’s something that seems to start slowly creeping up on me. I notice it, but I say to myself, “It’s only small, I can manage it.” And then suddenly, I’m a zombie. I’m walking and talking, but I’m never really there. I’m showering and eating because that’s what is expected of me, but I sit on the shower floor because I don’t actually have the energy to stand. I eat whatever is quickest so I can go to my room and hide; usually that’s not exactly the healthiest option. I speak to people, but sometimes I realize they’ve been answering me for a minute or so and I’ve not heard a single word of it. I’m snapping at people because I don’t have the patience to deal with anything. I’m crying all the time because that appears to be the only thing my body can do.

On my days off, I lay in bed and nap to try and pass the day away until nighttime appears and it becomes acceptable for me to be in bed.

On the days I have to do essays, I spend half my time staring at the screen in a daze.

On the days I have to work, I clock watch and pray the day hurries up so I can go back to bed and get into my pajamas.

Sometimes it feels as though my heart is about to beat out of my chest. It feels so strong, so scared. It beats at 100 mph and it’s the only thing I can focus on. Sometimes, my mind is a complete blur and it’s as if I forget my surroundings. I can’t focus. I feel like I’m in a bubble, not quite in the here and now. I feel nauseous, clammy and panicky, but I also feel like my mind is black. All I can see is the dark space in my mind that’s stopping me from enjoying anything. I feel that all I can do is cry or scream. I have trouble falling asleep, and then I have trouble getting out of bed. I live for the evening when I know I can stay wrapped up in my blanket and avoid socializing. I’m sick of crying. I’m sick of feeling so upset. I’m sick of feeling so stressed and annoyed at myself for being this way.

The void creeps up, slowly but surely, until it’s got it’s full grasp on me. Sometimes it lets go for a while, sometimes it decides to stay. It seems that for now, it’s decided to stay.

Photo credit:SarahJoann/Getty Images

Originally published: May 22, 2019
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