What I Do When My Major Depression Returns

I know the heaviness of major depression.

The elephant on my heart and chest, the agony of facing the day, the fear of seeing people and overall sense of hopelessness.

I also know the feeling of freedom, joy, energy and enthusiasm for life.

That is why when I have a couple of good weeks without experiencing depression, it brings me to such a feeling of defeat and frustration when it rears its ugly head again.

When it comes back I question exactly what it could be that brought it back on:

Did I take my meds?

Did I forget to stay away from sugar and gluten? Because for me, there is a correlation.

Am I tired?

Did someone say something to me that could have brought me down?

All these questions run through my mind, which actually makes it worse because I have not come to the place of fully accepting this will always be part of my life.

I fear my depression to be 100 percent honest.

It scares me because of my thoughts of wishing I wasn’t living anymore. That’s my escape in my head; I can imagine not being here and not having to fight these demons.

Feelings of being unworthy, unloving, unsafe and hopeless dance through my mind, which when my depression has a mission to take me down.

So what do I do?

I tell myself it will pass. I tell myself it’s a condition and not to listen to the negative voice. I tell myself that despite the amount of pain and fear I am in, the sun will come back again.

If you or someone you know needs help, visit our suicide prevention resources page.

If you need support right now, call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-8255, the Trevor Project at 1-866-488-7386 or text “START” to 741-741.

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Thinkstock photo via jarino47