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What It's Like to Experience Depression and Rapid Mood Swings

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It starts off so innocent, like the smell of the earth before it rains.

“I feel fine, I feel OK, I feel content.”

But I know how you really feel.

I know the heaviness that creeps over your body when you lie down at night. I know the thoughts that start to linger in your mind when you first wake up.

I know you feel restless, like nothing you do pleases you anymore, and you lack the motivation to do the things you used to love.

I know you’re tired from a long day of nothing and start falling asleep at 8 p.m. I know the impatience, the irritability, the anger that comes over you. Everything seems so difficult. Every little task seems like a big deal, and every bump in the road seems like a mountain on your path. So, you ignore it. You do things to take your mind off it. You spend money, you write, you try to distract yourself from the truth of what’s to come.

You run from it, and you run for months.

Then all of a sudden you wake up, too tired to run anymore, and lie in bed thinking of everything and nothing all at once. And then the thoughts creep in.

“You’re nothing. You’re worthless. You’re a failure. You’re a horrible person. You deserve this. You’re a disappointment. You’ll never amount to anything. You should feel guilty. No one understands. You’re alone.”

Then one day you wake up, brighter than the morning sun.

How can one go from lying in bed all day to being so excited and joyful?

I know it by the sound of your voice, from singing little tunes, that it’s going to be a good day. You’re chatty and social. You want to go out and have fun. I know you think you’re this outgoing and confident, but you’re really not.

You do your makeup all nice, you get ready, you want to talk to people and do things. I know you think you really feel this way, that people are just trying to “kill your mood,” but darling… it’s not you. You’re an introvert; you get tired of socializing, so how come all of a sudden you’re laughing and joking and doing all these things you wouldn’t normally do? It’s a false sense of confidence, and secretly it makes you feel so good to know you are finally happy again.

So you go out, spend money, write a book, start a blog, open a shop — all these things you get your mind stuck on, that you can’t get out of your head. So many you get distracted by the next and you can’t keep up with your thoughts because they keep popping in and out.

And then, like a sudden crack of thunder without notice, the rain pours again; the fun you once has gone so quickly it’s like it happened years ago.

This is what I go through.

This is my life with rapid cycling mood swings.

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Thinkstock photo via Zinkevych

Originally published: September 14, 2017
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