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What You Should Know About My Two Demons, Depression and Anxiety

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Dear beloved, friend and family members,

This journey hasn’t been easy for me so far and I know it has reflected itself on our relationship. I know I haven’t been the kind, understanding, happy-go-lucky me you used to know. At times I snapped at you for reasons that seemed insignificant, even illogical to you. Most days I can’t even get out of bed, let alone call you to chat and catch up on what’s going on in your life. I’ve shut myself up and most of the time you cannot understand why. Our communication and daily problems I go through in my life seem to be much bigger a deal than it used to.

When I lay in bed awake, unresponsive to you, don’t think I’m ignoring you. I am overwhelmed by the negative stream of thoughts inside my head and dealing with them occupies all my attention. If I suddenly start turning down your invitations to go out and grab some coffee at our favorite spot or go to that concert I promised we would go to a week ago, it’s not because I want to hurt you. My mind is simply not cooperating with me and it is forcing me to cancel all my plans.

I may have a hard time keeping up with school work, but don’t think it’s because I enjoy slacking off. In fact, my underachievements make me even more nervous and disappointed in myself. Then again, the mere thought of getting up and attending class can be distressing and hard to achieve for me.

My depression and anxiety are in a constant fight with each other. Depression wants me to do nothing, feel awful all day and fail to concentrate on anything but my despair. Whenever depression wins over, anxiety is triggered, causing extreme nervousness and panic. I fixate on whatever I could not do, due to my depression. Since I failed, my whole mind and body will be overcome with a numbing, awful sensation of fear and stress.

Depression makes me feel worthless and anxiety tells me I will never be able to change that fact. Depression tells me none of you really love me and care for me, and anxiety adds that you may give up on me, leaving me alone with my battles.

While I’m dealing with these two demons, please be patient with me. Remember I am not my illness and I will overcome this one day. I want you to be by my side, because your presence makes it much easier. Hearing positive words mean so much, since all I hear inside my head are negative ones these days. When you remind me of my strength, how this is a temporary state I will overcome and how you will be supporting me along the way, I may not seem to believe you. Never give up on me, because hearing these facts from you is reassuring. Most of the time I feel like a burden, a dark cloud nobody wants in their sky. Please prove me otherwise by sticking with me and reminding me of the things I’ve achieved and the things you like about me.

No matter what I might say at an intense time, please know I love you and appreciate all of your support for me.


Your partner, friend, daughter and sister

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Originally published: December 13, 2016
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