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When Depression and Anxiety Walk Hand-in-Hand

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Depression and anxiety do not go hand in hand. And yet, here they are, intertwined.

Depression is numb. It’s the books collecting dust on my bookshelf and the pens waiting to be cradled and the notebooks staring blankly. It’s the shutter button that has forgotten my fingerprint. It’s the cell phone with too many unanswered messages. It’s the bed that knows my body too well. It’s the blankets that shield me from everything I don’t want. It’s the outside world knocking on my front door, but it remains locked.

Depression is never being enough.

Anxiety is too much feeling. It’s the tires rolling against pavement, mingling with distant sirens. It’s the scratching of my cat’s claws on the couch. It’s the amplified heartbeat that reminds me I’m all too alive. It’s the unnerving awareness of everything, everything, everything. It’s the breaths that don’t come easy and the chills that clothe me. It’s the thunderous footsteps of whoever dares to descend the staircase. It’s the lightning-quick fears that scream louder than anyone else could ever hear.

Anxiety is being too much.

When depression and anxiety walk hand in hand, it’s a nightmare.

It’s looking in the mirror and facing inadequacy, yet having zero motivation to change. It’s falling behind on projects and panicking into the depths of the night, only to fall asleep without having written a word. It’s waking up to a to-do list running at full speed in my mind, only to close my eyes and return to the safe haven of unconsciousness. It’s the fears that chase me around every corner but I don’t have the strength to build the walls to shut them out. It’s not caring yet caring too much.

They say opposites attract, but I don’t think this is what they meant.

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Photo by Nik MacMillan on Unsplash

Originally published: October 8, 2017
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