Why I’m the Girl Who ‘Disappears’ During Conversations

Let me tell you about a girl who disappears during conversations.

At first, nobody notices it. You’ll be talking to her and she’s nodding, maybe jumping in with her own comment or two, and within minutes, you see a faraway look in her eyes. Some would say she’s not listening; rude right? She asks you to repeat what you said; thus, she’s definitely not listening, right?

I can’t remember how I became known as the girl who disappears during conversations, or the girl who nods to everything. As long as I can remember, I’ve seen life through foggy lenses. When I would talk to people, I didn’t feel all the way there. I was there but not really there. You know that scene in the movie where the girl is surrounded by her friends and all she can see is their mouths moving and their facial expressions changing but no sound is coming out? That’s how I feel sometimes. It’s like being in a scene where life is happening around you and you can’t hear anything or make sense of what’s happening because… you’re dissociating.

The first time I realized it was an issue was when people would constantly point out how I was always saying “yeah, true,” and agreeing to everything they said, then having to ask them exactly what I was agreeing with. To them, it seemed as if I wasn’t listening; to me, my thoughts are so loud that nothing else seems to register in my mind.

Tuning out can truly become a problem when you’re receiving criticism from a teacher or a boss. This one time I was being told what I did wrong and how I needed to improve and I swear, I wasn’t tuning out on purpose. But it’s as if my mind was shutting down from listening as a coping strategy — as a way of protecting myself from being hurt from what my teacher was saying.

Dissociation is a tactic our minds do to protect us from a potential threat that is overwhelming our capacity to process or cope with the threat. If anything, it helps us survive. However, it can become a problem when you’re experiencing dissociation on a day-to-day basis, and functioning a “normal” life can become extremely difficult.

Noticing when you are dissociating is not always easy; if anything, it takes someone else to point out to me that I’m not listening or I’m not paying attention. When this happens, instead of beating myself up and feeling guilt, I have started to do something else that has changed my life entirely. I’ll take a deep breath and ground myself. I will notice that yes, I was dissociating for that time, but I am here in the present moment and my dissociation does not make me a horrible person. Accepting that I will dissociate from time to time has helped me be kinder to myself. Surrounding myself with people who are empathetic and more forgiving has allowed me to overcome the roadblocks of shame and guilt that comes with having a dissociation disorder.

Some might still see me as the girl who “disappears” during conversations, but over time I have learned that with the help of my amazing counselor and through speaking about it with others who care about me, I’ve gotten rid of that definition of myself. Now, I see it as something that is part of me and not all of me.