Meet the 'Parts' of My Personality and Their Roles in My Dissociative Identity Disorder
Where do I begin?
I really don’t know, but I will try.
I will do this as best I can without hurting myself or hurting or insulting the parts of me that have tried to keep me from the hurt from my past and the hurt that they fear is lurking and waiting to prey on me and on them.
You see, I am indeed a rare puzzle of mystery and of untold and hidden secrets. Secrets that I myself do not even fully know. However, there are parts of me that do know, and they are (and have been) keeping them locked and hidden away from me for years — decades, in fact.
These parts mean well and really do have my best intentions for my well-being and mental stability, yet these well-meaning parts are tired. They are ready to meet me and I feel that I am finally ready to meet them as well.
This is an introduction long overdue. I feel that “we” are all ready to come to a “meeting of my mind” kind of moment.
Let’s first talk about those parts of me that I’ve already met and what role in my life they’ve assigned themselves to.
“The Keeper” is a beautiful little girl about the age of 6 or 7. She has long blonde hair, wears a white frilly nightgown and carries and holds on tightly to a very loved teddy bear. She also carries all of my deepest secrets that are hidden, and she has since I was about the age of 2. She takes this role extremely seriously and I feel her with me the most. She means me no harm; in fact, she keeps me from harm by keeping these secrets from me and has for over 40 years. She tells me that I am not allowed to go down that trail as of yet and she will stop me dead in my tracks if I try to run on past her: “This is not your time to run towards the unknown path; there are things up ahead on this trail that you are not ready for.”
I have to make peace with what she says for now. I do try because I trust “the Keeper.” She and I have met a few times. She’s sweet, loving and she worries a great deal for me; she also cares a great deal for my other “parts” too.
There is another “part of me” that I refer to as “the Manager.” She is quite the personality and tries to maintain all order concerning me and “my parts.”
“The Manager” has the toughest role, and she reminds me of this a lot. Her job is to keep all of my “parts” in line and she likes to run a tight ship within my psyche. To her, this role is extremely daunting, yet she strives for excellence and thrives on perfection. If she gets pushback from another “part,” she has no qualms about reminding them of her title and asserting her role as such. She can be quite intimidating to all of “us.” When she takes over, “we” all know that she has “switched” in.
Then there is one that I refer to as “Autopilot.” I’m not ready to talk about her yet… we know of each other but have yet to be formerly and properly introduced, and there is good reason for that. We’ll just move on from her, for now.
I really do adore and have beautiful and loving feelings of safety and of light for “the Medium.”
She is extraordinary and her gifts are so rare and magical. I really do love when she decides to “switch” in. She is simply the most beautiful energy and I’m blessed to have her be a “part” of me. She brings messages of hope and peace from multiple energy planes. She has given me the most amazing gifts that I have been able to gift on to others. I thank her every day and I really do believe that she’s also grateful for our life together.
“The Feeler” feels all, and has from the very first time “we” felt any kind of hurt or trauma from any of the catastrophic moments we’ve gone through in our past 40 years. She is rather emotional and the others find her to be the “weakest” of us. Oh, but she is mighty strong and fierce for what she’s had to feel over the years. I admire her strength and longevity. She is one of the toughest “parts” of us.
“The Motivator” works tirelessly to push all of us to do things when we are tired and feeling sad from being on-call and overworked from this unrelenting job of trying to keep us all together and in line. Sometimes she needs to “switch” off for weeks and months at a time to recharge so that she can rally us all back to being productive. That is exhausting and I appreciate all of her efforts. I try to express that to her as much as I can; I really do hope that she knows that.
“The Organizer” feels underappreciated the most. She hates that “we” tend to slack off as she thinks that “we” could all be doing so much more. Her anxiety can reach extreme highs when she doesn’t see things going exactly her way. She does get snippy and tends to verbally lash out … a lot. She really is trying to work on that though. “We” know that.
“The Cleaner” does exactly that; she cleans up physical as well as emotional messes. She does not particularly like her role, but she knows that someone has to do it, and she knows that she is damn good at it. She tends to get easily bothered by some of the bigger messes, but all said and done, she gets it clean.
Those are just a few of “my parts.” Well, the ones I’ve met. I realize that there are more. I’m ready for the big meeting; it will happen when “we” are all ready.
Photo by Kinga Cichewicz on Unsplash