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How I Relate to John Legend's Song 'All of Me' as the Wife of a Man With Dissociative Identity Disorder

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My husband and I have been experiencing life together for many years and there are just as many songs to be found that sing of the love we feel for each other. But the song that does it best is John Legend’s “All of Me.”

My husband has dissociative identity disorder (DID) and has more than 20 personalities (referred to as “alters”). Each of his alters is a different part of
him, sometimes loving and soft, sometimes angry and mean. It is very difficult to explain the dynamics of this complicated relationship – it is ever-changing, sometimes volatile and certainly never boring when you love someone who has DID.

I can offer a glimpse of what that love is like though, through the words of John Legend:

“What would I do without your smart mouth?” (My husband is intelligent but also has parts that are masters in the use of scathing sarcasm.)

“Drawing me in, and you kicking me out.” (One minute a part of my husband can be professing his forever love to me and then in the next breath another part is ending our relationship and packing my bags.)

“You’ve got my head spinning, no kidding, I can’t pin you down. What’s going on in that beautiful mind?” (It really is beautiful in its design, though often faulty in its implementation.)

“I’m on your magical mystery ride. And I’m so dizzy, don’t know what hit me, but I’ll be alright.”

“My head’s under water, but I’m breathing fine.” (It’s true – I probably should be drowning but somehow, through the grace of God, I’m not.)

“You’re crazy and I’m out of my mind.” (Please don’t judge me for relating to this line of the song – the truth is things sometimes do feel crazy and sometimes I really do doubt my own mental well-being.)

But then comes the chorus:

“‘Cause all of me Loves all of you, Love your curves and all your edges…” (My husband’s softer parts, the female alters, and also those parts that are still rough around the edges, the protectors and the rage-filled alters.)

And as the song goes on this verse sums it up:

“Give me all of you.” (Yes, really! All the alters, all the parts, I want to know and love all of you!)

“Cards on the table, we’re both showing hearts. Risking it all, though it’s hard.”

Thank you, John Legend. I don’t know if you love someone with DID but if not, you’ve somehow found the words to describe what it’s like. All of me looks forward to many more years of singing your song while continuing to love all of my many husbands.

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Getty Image by Pablo_K

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