Why I’m Not Always Sure I Want to Recover From My Eating Disorder

Eating disorder recovery is already difficult to work toward, but it is even more difficult when you are not sure that recovery is what you want.

It’s honestly one of the most confusing things to describe. I mean, recovery is something anyone should want, right? Well, for me, recovery is scary. My eating disorder is the one thing that has remained constant in my life as everything seemed to fall apart. It is the one thing that makes me feel like I still have a little control over my life. It is the thing that has made me feel safe when my post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) tells me I am not. It is the one thing that makes me feel like me, even when depression is making me numb to everything else.

I am now learning that my eating disorder is more like a person in an abusive relationship for years, and I still sometimes consider it more like a best friend. It has always been here for me, through good times and mostly through the bad times. When my parents divorced, it was there as a comfort. When I was stressed out with college classes, it was there to bring me peace. When I was dealing with flashbacks, dissociation or just terrible memories from my traumatic past, it gave me something else to put my focus on. When people I thought were my friends suddenly left because my mental illnesses were just too much to handle, my eating disorder never left me. No, it was there through absolutely everything and it never left my side. Sure, it brought about many health difficulties and it forced me to take long-term medical leave from my university, but it was here when I was alone. It was here when I was scared. It was here when I was in such a deep state of depression. It was here.

So, why am I scared to be in eating disorder recovery? Because I don’t want to feel alone. I don’t want to face the hardships of this life on earth alone. I know my eating disorder will never leave me like so many people have. I know my eating disorder will always work as a coping mechanism for depression, anxiety and PTSD, even though it isn’t a positive one.

A quote that helps me during times recovery is especially hard is, “Recovery is scary, but so is remaining exactly the same.” This is true. I have already listed the reasons why recovery is scary, but it is just as terrifying to remain in this illness. I will never be able to return to school and be the music therapist I long to be if I have an eating disorder. My family will constantly be in a state of worry, wondering when my next hospitalization will be. I will eventually die from this terrible mental illness if I don’t seek recovery. So though it is hard, I am going to continue to fight my way through recovery. I only get one life and I deserve to live it fully, no matter how scary it may be.