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A Letter to the Kids in My Life Who See Me Struggle With Endometriosis

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Chronic illness is one the hardest battles of life, and I know you see me sick and not OK more often than not. You see me in pain, you see me hiding pads or having to frequently go to the toilet, you see me looking pale and exhausted. You see these things, more than the fun and outgoing me. The me I used to be.

Endometriosis, along with other things, has changed me. How do I explain that to you? How do I explain I want to run around with you, I want to go swimming with you? How do I explain I walk funny because my whole pelvis area feels like it’s going to fall out?

Now I know you don’t always see these things. You see a person who undoubtedly is always trying for you. You see me trying to cook dinner, even if I burn it. You see me making chocolate cupcakes and cookies just so I can see you smile. You see me trying to watch all the things you do and be a part of it all. Yes, I wear I smile while I do this. Yes, I laugh the loudest while I do this because that’s what I want you to remember. I want you to remember I always tried, even though that’s not how I feel.

I look at you and see so much ahead of you. I see there is so much in the world you can do. I desperately want to be a part of that. The fact is, this disease is destroying my life. I’m exhausted, and I’m sore, and sometimes I just want to lie down with you and have a cuddle while watching Disney movies. But you want to play, you want to run, you want to learn. Why shouldn’t you? This disease isn’t your disease.

I know seeing me struggle affects you. I know seeing me hide my tears makes you upset. You also know when I’m hiding with my hot water bottle, you can come and have a cuddle with me, and I no doubt will have chocolate. You also know that even on the days that are hard for you, I will always be there, even on my hard days.

I might feel like everything is an uphill battle right now. But, as much as you do not know it, you make the climb worth it.

Getty image by interstid.

Originally published: July 2, 2019
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