I Can't Have Another Baby Due to Endometriosis, and That Has to Be OK

This post is about to get really real, real quick, are you ready? One of my most cherished aspects of blogging is that I can be 100 percent open and honest with you guys. I feel like the things I’m the most scared to write are actually the things I need to write the most. And this topic has been weighing so heavily on my heart for years now, almost five years to be exact, so I thought now was as good a time as any to get it out there.

It was nearly five years ago that I had two surgeries – one to remove my uterus, and then another to remove my ovaries. That period of time is such a blur. I had just had Levi, and my husband, doctor and myself had made the decision to proceed with a total hysterectomy, in pieces. And since then, I feel like I’ve lost a part of myself – that part that hopes and plans for the future, that part that dreamed about having a third child, perhaps the little girl I’ve always wanted. But now, that dream is shattered on the floor in a million pieces. That dream of getting pregnant again and continuing to build our family, that dream is broken. That feeling of rubbing your stomach and feeling the flutter of tiny little feet inside it. I lay awake at night sometimes thinking about what our family could have been, would we have stopped at two? My husband and I both love kids (especially babies) so I often wonder how different my life would have been if I had said no to my surgeries. I wonder if I’d be sitting here rubbing my warm stomach and feeling those flutters. I wonder if I’d have a sweet baby asleep on my chest, breathing in and out, daydreaming about everything they’d grow up to be.

Now, don’t get me wrong. I have two incredibly amazing little boys who fill my life and my heart with so much light and love. But having that end to growing my family be so final – so matter-of-fact, it hurts. It hurts to know that even if I wanted to, this simply cannot happen for me, for us, anymore. And what stings is the fact that both my husband and I are caught up in baby fever mode, with nothing to do. Will we adopt in the future? It’s definitely a possibility. But for now I’m still mourning the loss of what could have been, my insides are empty and my body and mind are wanting me to do something I can’t. The very thing deep down in the core of my body, it’s screaming, and it’s angry. And that is OK.

What I need to do is just keep reminding myself of all of the blessings in my life. First, the ability to have two wonderful and healthy boys. Some women fighting endometriosis don’t get to have kids at all – so I kind of feel like a jerk for even complaining here, but it’s how I feel, and with one in 10 women having endometriosis, I’m sure there is someone out there just like me, feeling just like me in this tiny fragmented moment in time. So if you’re one of those women, if you’re in the same spot as me, please know you are not alone. Please know that I walk beside you, and if I could, I’d give you a giant hug. Because this path of ours is so difficult, and it’s so much easier when traveled together.