After awhile, it starts to feel surreal
As though perhaps my child never existed
And it had all been a dream
That’s when I need to search for any remnant that he was alive
That he really was mine
That I didn’t make him up
That this pain truly is real and, to this day, this hurt is still very much here
It has not gone
It is just so intense that my mind and body have hidden it so as to preserve what is left of my sanity
This is my first Mother’s Day with one less child than the year before
I search in every corner of our home
But he is not here
How does one even go about after the loss of a child?
I almost couldn’t
I almost didn’t
Despite two other children and a loving, also grieving, husband, my world became dark
Fanconi Anemia
Those two words bring a hatred from deep within me
It is almost as powerful as this never-ending grief
It took one of my children and it is now creating cancer within another
I’d have given anything
Anything so they could enjoy more summers with the sun in their faces
More cuddles late at night
More family time in the basement with swords, toys, Playdough, and tents
And more belly-aching laughter
But it is already too late for one
My darling child
You left me with four and a half years of painfully beautiful memories
But it could have been 100 years’ worth
The heartache is no less
I miss you
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Mother to a child with Fanconi Anemia and ADHD- no hyperactivity, a child with anxiety, a child in heaven, and a rainbow child who is on her way.
maly-lee