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Mother's Day With One Less Child

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After awhile, it starts to feel surreal

As though perhaps my child never existed

And it had all been a dream

That’s when I need to search for any remnant that he was alive

That he really was mine

That I didn’t make him up

That this pain truly is real and, to this day, this hurt is still very much here

It has not gone

It is just so intense that my mind and body have hidden it so as to preserve what is left of my sanity

This is my first Mother’s Day with one less child than the year before

I search in every corner of our home

But he is not here

How does one even go about after the loss of a child?

I almost couldn’t

I almost didn’t

Despite two other children and a loving, also grieving, husband, my world became dark

Fanconi Anemia

Those two words bring a hatred from deep within me

It is almost as powerful as this never-ending grief

It took one of my children and it is now creating cancer within another

I’d have given anything

Anything so they could enjoy more summers with the sun in their faces

More cuddles late at night

More family time in the basement with swords, toys, Playdough, and tents

And more belly-aching laughter

But it is already too late for one

My darling child

You left me with four and a half years of painfully beautiful memories

But it could have been 100 years’ worth

The heartache is no less

I miss you

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Originally published: May 14, 2017
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