Fatigue Isn't the Defining Factor of My Illness

I wish I had a dollar for every time the word “tired” was used to describe me in some way.

“You look tired.”

“Do you feel tired today?”

“I’m so tired, but you probably feel worse.”

“I can’t get believe how quickly you get tired.”

Tired. Tired. Tired.

Even friends who try their hardest to understand what I’m going through use it frequently. Once I mention having a bad day their response is:

“Oh, go have a lie-down.”

“Just take it easy.”

“How about a nap?”

Well, I’m tired of being told how tired I am.

Is fatigue a part of my conditions? Absolutely.

But it by no means is the defining factor.

I wish it was as simple as being “just tired.” There are times when mentally I’m wide awake, while physically my body feels like I’ve completed an assault course. There are times when my body feels ready to do anything, but my brain feels like mush. If a lie-down could fix all that, I wouldn’t be in the position I am in today.

Now, I am aware I sound ungrateful. I understand they’re trying. Honestly, I appreciate it. It is just so hard to show it when “being tired” is clearly all people think of. Some days it’s all I can think about, but when other people are constantly using it to label you, it can really make it hard to see the positive in any day, good or bad. It’s depressing, frustrating and completely exhausting.

Aha, there it is again.

And I am exhausted, exhausted of experiencing pain most people don’t’ see until their 80s. I’m exhausted of being told how so-and-so coped with their conditions. I’m exhausted by people not believing the struggles I and others like me go through. I’m exhausted by constantly being asked how I am. I’m exhausted by the constant appointments and phone calls to the doctor. Heck, some days even the stairs exhaust me. But I’m also scared. I’m worried, and nervous. I’m in pain; sometimes mentally, sometimes physically and sometimes both. Generally I’m uncomfortable, anxious and depressed. I like to think I’m funny, I’m most definitely sarcastic. I’m tall. I’m clumsy. I’m a graduate. I’m an animal lover. I’m a friend. I’m a daughter. I’m a sister.

I am not just tired.

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