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Am soo weird and I hate it. I just wanna be normal and live my life! #Fuckanxiety #Fuckeverything #tiredofthepain
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Fuckanxiety
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So today wasn’t a good day for me. I don’t know why. Do you ever just feel sad and no body upset you? Inside I feel like crying my eyes out. On my way back home from school I encountered a lot of anxiety. I usually do but today my anxiety decided it’ll be worse. I can’t walk on a street full of people without my anxiety telling me to keep a certain face, walk a certain perfect way and not look at people on the way. I like to refer to my anxiety as a she. She makes me feel like I can’t do a thing. Talking to someone in school ( am in college lol) is hard, my voice changes and suddenly am that frightened girl. She makes me feel like I won’t get a man to love me for me. She makes me feel so small. Fuck anxiety! I wanna feel normal. Do you ever wonder what normal feels like? I do. Recently I was invited to a festival with a friend and all my anxiety had to say is no. My friend is really fun and I didn’t want to be a boring company. I don’t wanna feel out of place. My anxiety decides where I should or shouldn’t go. Am tired of this daily battle! #Fuckanxiety Am tired of putting a face that is not mine. I always look happy but when I get home I just wanna get in bed and cry my eyes out. #Depression
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A couple of days ago I had two panic attacks. It was just an all around shitty day. It ended with having a “talk” with my parents and Husband.
The talk went well I suppose. The best that it can go for non-mentals.. I left out all of the gory, scary details because I hate freaking them out and making them worry. Filling them in on my #SuicidalIdeation both active and passive would have me committed immediately.
The very next day my Mom asked me if I had a better day. All I could do was just stare at her dumbfounded, as if she had three heads. She doesn’t get it. It is really fucking hard to explain to a non-mental that it just doesn’t work that way and that it is the stupidest thing you could ask someone with severe depression and anxiety.
I’ve been consumed with images in my head of what my depression and anxiety would actually look like if you could physically see it.
This is what I came up with-
I’m in deep water. The water is just over my head. I have a straw in my mouth and the straw is just above water and the only way I can get air. My is heavy chains that are shackled to both of my ankles. The chains pull me down and keep me under water. I tread water constantly in order to fight for air. My is a demon, faceless and all black. It sits on top of the water and constantly whispers negativity to me. The demon takes its long black, claw-like finger and covers the straw hole every once in awhile so that I can’t breath. It’s cruel torture.
There are no “better” days. They all fucking suck. It’s the shitty reality that I’ve been struggling to survive in.
#fuckdepression #Fuckanxiety
To all of my Mentals out there. How are you?
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