Suicidal Ideation

Being in flux doesn't mean you are disappearing. When a liquid turns to gas, it is still there and can now move more freely amongst the clouds. #MentalHealth #BipolarDisorder #SuicidalIdeation #SuicidalThoughts #Suicide #Depression #Loneliness

Grief is weird, one moment I’m fine and the next I’m a mess. Things just haven’t been the same since my soul cat passed away about a month ago.

On top of that I’m now dealing with an immature narcissistic bully on social media and am honestly at my wits end. I’ve blocked them and deactivated several of my accounts due to them and their childish behavior. While I’ve felt a breath of fresh air being away from social media I’m just so burnt out on life.

I just want to see my soul cat again and to be happy, or at least to stop floating around just existing.

#CheckInWithMe #Bullying #SuicidalIdeation #SuicidalThoughts #Suicide #MajorDepressiveDisorder

This one is of a lone falconer. Crows are my favorite, but there is something majestic and inspiring about hawks and falcons. #Loneliness #Depression #SuicidalIdeation #SuicidalThoughts #Suicide

Drawing again really has taken my mind off of things. I always wanted a wild crow companion, the kind that would fly down and ride on my shoulder whenever I was walking about.

I lost my father. Then I had to give up my job. I was humiliated and sidelined and the organization I worked for was indeed doing little value addition. Then my wife decided to leave me. We separated. In the process I also lost a beautiful house built on the hills with so much passion, hope and dreams together. I lost the entire eco system - literal and social. Later I lost both my dogs too. They were intensely soulful creatures who grew with us and so central in our relationship. But i bear no ill will towards my ex - just shame and guilt that I couldn’t take good care of her and couldn’t afford much meaning to her. Last year i lost my mother. Not that we were very close and we got along too well but still my long visits to her home located in rich sylvan surroundings and warm caretakers was lost too. Most of friends and acquaintances disappeared as well. Kins were too self opinionated and who constantly invalidated my grief and indeed always belittled my ‘being’ for long even before my life took the turn for the worse. Except for an old uncle of mine i don’t feel like seeking out an extended family psychologically illiterate and shorn of aesthetic and cultural capital and too caught in their self righteousness.

Acute uprootedness, loneliness, emotional exhaustion hollows and wrings you out. That i’m much late in my adulthood and almost going to be an ‘elder’ makes matters more shameful. I live alone (have no siblings either let alone kids) with my new daschund just doing what little needed to keep me going - cooking, gardening, reading and blogging. I manage to do some art work too. Medicines seem to wearing off in its effect to keep me sane and counseling too over so many years barely of little help anymore.

The overwhelming failures and setbacks all my life and so repeated despite being well qualified, well read, and contributed so much to my work domain (again all painfully unrecognised) affects me to the extent that suicidal thoughts are always at the top of my mind. The misery, dismay, shock of how horribly matters have gone wrong, having been cheated by people, circumstances and I dare say by Gods themselves surges and spikes in waves choking you, reducing you to complete tears and feeling crushed. i’m completely invisible and destitute today and making each day is a painful and exhausting struggle. It’s bad faith that still prevents me doing the inevitable. #SuicidalIdeation #Loneliness #Shame #Guilt #miseryofliving #Grief