Suicidal Ideation

You talked so proudly of your family sharing a meal together each and every night all 8 of you. My family was broken. My thoughts couldn’t help but linger there, flashbacks of the empty table. Flashbacks of eating in front of the tv. Flashbacks of being alone. Flashbacks of everything my family wasn’t and it should have been. And I’m still broken. I’ve felt alone most of my life. I’ve felt unworthy. I feel like a burden. I thought about what my suicide plan would look like, how I wouldn’t do it in our home because I couldn’t ruin my son’s safe place. How I’d specifically do it which thankfully didn’t get finalized. I looked over at my toddler sleeping not thinking about her growing up without a mother, but instead how better off she would be without me damaging her, I thought it through, the different ways I could end it all, all the way until I thought about you finding out. It would break you even though it would have nothing to do with you. That’s when I started crying. Imaging you trying to salvage the broke pieces left to try and be a dad to our beautiful children. To bring you so much pain, when it’s not your fault. But I am so broken and in my brokenness I am alone. Again. I showered trying to help myself regulate. First the water scolding hot, then freezing cold, nothing working. All I kept thinking about was how no one would know it’s coming because they don’t really see me, except maybe you. I see the worry in your face. You say you’re here and in my entire being I know you physically are, but you’ll never get it. You had 8 people who loved you at your dinner table. I had none. They don’t see me through this mask I wear. My coworkers would be shocked and wonder what they could’ve done different. Thinking how could they not notice. After all I’m the one everyone goes to when in crisis. Heck I’m even good in it. I’m the fixer. I’m the one who uses humor to hide my pain. Or as my brother calls it, shows “my perfect life”. They don’t notice because this mask is something I’ve worn my entire life. It’s grown to protect me, it’s grown to shelter me in a way and I’m screaming behind it because I want it off. I want to be free. I want to no longer let this sadness and brokenness consume me. I want to be free. My children and husband deserve for me to be free. I’m tired of screaming behind this mask, there is no voice left, maybe that’s why my words are suffocating and I can’t talk about it. I am silenced and I just. Want. To be free. #MentalHealth #Depression #SuicidalIdeation #Anxiety

If y'all have seen any of my posts, you know some of my ups and downs. I know I haven't been as active, but that's because I've had a LOT of mental legwork to do. Ain't nothing wrong with taking care of your needs! So, I did 😊

Made a post on facebook this morning and thought maybe it might #help someone out there. Either way, posting this to look back on for myself isn't a bad thing either. With that being said, here is my post (also take note of the picture of me from 5 years ago to today. Just the difference in the smile is wild to me 💜:

BLANKET #triggerwarning :

I'm going to share a LOT in one post (especially for so very early 😅). It's going to get deep and it's going to get a bit long winded, but please stick with me and feel free to share. I'm making this public in hopes it might help someone, anyone, even if it's just my future self to remember. I'm also a pretty open book so feel free to ask questions of you'd like 💜 fr let's talk about it!

The "me" in the top photo is NOT the me I am today. Even looking at, to me at least, the difference is striking. If only I could have known just how far I'd be, just mentally, that I'd be, just to let me know I'd be more okay than I could have EVER hoped to be just 5 years later. At the time, 5 years would have felt like forever to the me who couldn't see past moment by moment.

To the me then:

Oh, how I wish I could have assured me that I'd one day have an ounce of love for myself. How the situations I was in wouldn't last forever and that sooner than later, I'd actually be happy with the life within me. That one day, the heavy cloud over my head would dissipate. That one day, all the "faking it till I make it" wouldn't have to be faked anymore. All of the med changes, mental hospital stays, moving, losing my tangible things, losing sight of myself, would one day bring me to actual peace, happiness, protection of my peace, understanding of self. I'd tell me then just how proud of me I am for doing anything and everything to be honest with my support system the best i could so that I could make it another minute, hour, day, because all of the just "surviving" the moment to moment would lead me to today. That, no matter how you quantify or measure the distance of a single step forward, that moving forward is still progress. I'd let me know that one day, I'd look at myself more kindness and love than I ever have and that one day I'd learn just ow valuable my peace is and how one day I'd actually take steps to protect it and that boundaries aren't as scary as I thought they once were.

Oh, little me, how I'd love to let you know so much. There's so much I wish I didn't go through, if for no other reason than because now I know that I made a lot of lessons a lot harder than they had to be. That one day I'd be writing a post about me with the kindness, understanding, and compassion that I've spent so long giving to others.

I think I would have laughed. I wouldn't have believed it. Even if I could have stood in front of myself like a mirror reflection come to life, the me who couldn't see a future, who thought I wouldn't be alive to have any of what I have now (mentally, physically or otherwise), wouldn't know what to do with the information I have today.

And that's okay.

Oh little me, I'm so proud that we lived to see another day. This day. Because it's all we ever wanted and hoped we could get to.

Bad days will come. Ups and downs happen, I know. However, may the me I am today never forget the me I was, lest I lose the raw appreciation for just how far I've came.

FOR ANYONE WHO MADE IT THIS FAR IN MY POST: please know, as long as there is breath within you. As long as you're here to see tomorrow, there's always hope for an even better day after. In spite of the hiccups, the unfortunate, the unforseen and unplanned, there is always room for a better tomorrow....but ya gotta be here for it to see it 💜 PLEASE NEVER BE AFRAID TO BE HONEST WITH YOUR SUPPORT SYSTEM!!!!! THIS INCLUDES YOUR DR/THERAPIST/COUNSELOR!!! I used to be terrified to until I realized that you can not be involuntary committed unless you are actively planning to hurt yourself or someone else! Please, don't be so afraid that you don't get the help you know you may need.

-2x in a mental hospital voluntary committed
-years of therapy
-years of med changes till where I think we finally got it the closest to right I've EVER been
-dv/sa survivor
-"sewer slider" attempt/and ideation survivor

There is hope
Ya just have to be here to see all the hard leg work you've done, even if it does take years.

Remember, a painting up close seems chaotic. Every brush stroke looks imperfect and messy, but a step or so back, when you're actually able to look at the bigger picture more and more, I promise it's so beautiful and so very worth it. 💜

You're gonna wanna be here for this 💜

IF YOU OR SOMEONE YOU KNOW NEEDS HELP OR IS IN CRISIS:

The previous 988 Lifeline phone number (1-800-273-8255) will always remain available to people in emotional distress or crisis.

The 988 Lifeline’s network of over 200 crisis centers has been in operation since 2005 and has been proven to be effective. Trained crisis counselors listen, provide support, and connect callers to resources when appropriate.

Callers who follow the “press 1” prompt are connected to the Veterans Crisis Line. A Spanish Language line is available by pressing 2, and more than 240 languages are supported through a Tele-Interpreters service. Callers now also have the option of following a “press 3” prompt to be connected to a crisiS counselor specifically trained in supporting LGBTQI+ callers.

FOR MORE INFORMATION: The Lifeline and 988

#MentalHealth #BipolarDisorder #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder #PTSD #Anxiety #Depression #SuicidalIdeation #SuicidalThoughts #SuicideAttemptSurvivors #Selfharm #Addiction #Loneliness

At one point my podcast was the highest rated for my niche. My former cohosts have turned most of my following against me in retaliation for defending myself against their ableism. My story can be found here: youtu.be/eBBQB500mKE

Following this group’s leader’s “Elephant in the Room” first topic, let’s discuss suicide…as a preventive approach to the act of ending one’s life.

Two deadly enemies: suicide and silence. When discussing suicide openly it then becomes exposed. However, when it remains hidden, it festers.

Silence fuels suicide.

And those of us, like myself, who suffer with suicidal ideation (thoughts) tend to fuel this way of thinking by dismissing the logic of sharing our pain with others because it is easier to convince ourselves that we will only bother them if we call, especially during a suicidal ideation attack.

The act of silencing ourselves and the act of not openly and publicly discussing suicidal thoughts thus fuels that dark way of thinking. But exposure to this (now) common issue—that MANY people are experiencing—allows us to freely express ourselves, in person, virtually, or on social media writing platforms.

Basically, how about if we vastly expose the reality of suicidal ideation so that those of us who suffer with these thoughts can freely say, “Hey, I am struggling with thoughts of ending my life” without any hesitation. Swiftly exposing those thoughts allow us to release the weight of those dark thoughts that govern our minds in the midst of the suicidal thought’s storm.

Honestly, which is easier to do: respond to the vulnerable suicidal ideation person who exposes their dark thoughts before the act, or posting an emoji on a Facebook post that informs the world that our friend took their life?

Let’s #Talk about #Suicide and that #MentalHealth issue so that our conversations become the preventative vaccination for the act of suicide. Too many people are giving in to this disease of the mind:

An estimated 703 000 people die by suicide worldwide each year. Over one in every 100 deaths (1.3%) in 2019 was the result of suicide. The global suicide rate is over twice as high among men than women
(https://www.iasp.info › WSPD
Global Suicide Statistics - IASP; 3.19.2024; 10:15PM (EDT)).

Let’s curb this grim statistic! I believe we can.

Let’s #Talk #Life , #TheMighty #Family , and make it common to discuss suicide, instead of wishing we only knew our friend or family member was silently struggling with ending their life.

#Depression #SuicidalIdeation #MentalHealth