I used to beat myself up over the past, over the years of abuse I endured as a child and adult. I used to think that I should be healed by now. I should be where I want to be. I should be able to wake up with no to minimal anxiety or depression. I suppose that self blame is a normal reaction to being abused. Yet, I used to fall into the trap thinking that slow progress is no progress. Sometimes I still do. I tell myself that I should do a lot of things I suppose and here I am not doing many of them.
My therapist has told me time and again to not use "should" language all the time and now I see why. Healing is a journey not a destination. And while it has been 4 years since I last broke my silence I still have a long way to go. Living with three mental illnesses is draining and I often question why my healing journey gets so hard. So I lean on my faith and try to trust the process. As much as I try to trust the process, there are days where everything just hits a wall. I struggle with the emotional instability of #BipolarDisorder as well as the trauma of #PTSD and the emotional over reactivity of #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder I used to get down on myself because I felt that my mental illnesses got in the way of me making any progress. Now I realize that I have been rushing the process.
I am capable of healing to my full potential. Just like you are. I know now that slow progress is progress. Day by day whether or not it's a good or bad day I manage to make some progress. I am not responsible for the abuse but I am responsible for my healing. Someday I will get to where I was meant to be. I can look at life more objectively and positively now. Gaining mindfulness skills has helped me to achieve peace and calm even on my bad days.
I hope that you also believe that slow progress is progress and do not forget to celebrate the little victories. You deserve them. I know what it's like to struggle with anxious and depressive thoughts as well as suicidal thoughts. If you are experiencing any of this, please reach out. Your life matters! I believe in you. Thanks for believing in me. Together we can overcome anything. We are here for each other. Stay safe.
#abusesurvivor #SuicidalIdeation #Hope #Life #Healing