Suicidal Ideation

The fact is, no one can truly understand the depth of someone else's suffering or the reasons that could drive a soul to such desperation. Only God knows what is in a person's heart (Psalm 139:1-2). Only the Lord knows the extent of pain that might bring a person to the point of suicide.#SuicidalIdeation #Suicide #SuicideAttemptSurvivors

i sleep Alone

eat Alone

and breathe Alone

so why wouldn't i be okay with being

Alone?

and then i let you in.

so now we do things together

from hugging and kissing

running and talking

but,

now you're gone

you decided you wanted someone else

and that's cool i guess

but now i don't eat and i can't sleep

it's hard to breathe cause at times i don't want to

but it's fine because now i bleed

Alone.

but it's fine.

i "like" being Alone.

#MentalHealth #SuicidalIdeation #PTSD #Trauma #MajorDepressiveDisorder #Suicide #SuicideAttemptSurvivors #heartbreak

I’ve been doing a lot of thinking lately, and with the epic universe opening at universal studios in Florida in a few short weeks, my depression has skyrocketed.

I live in the Midwest, far away from anything fun, pretty much in bum f*ck nowhere. I think the greatest clame to fame we have anywhere around me is The Dells and the water park capital of the world. Which I cal bullshit because it’s literally cold all the time!! The Dells is also garbage. Just tourists crap, nothing really cohesive.

Needless to say I hate where I live, it’s cold all the time even in the ‘summer’. My anxiety and depression are terrible and only get worse when we fall behind and then not only is it cold, but now it’s dark.

I’ve been struggling for just shy of a year now to find a job. Apparently, the postings are for show because absolutely barely anyone is calling me back. I’m aware that the currently political situation is only complicated things even more.

I spend a lot of time on YouTube, and videos of previews of the epic universe have been abundant and the first few were cool to watch. But now they are just making me extremely sad. I feel completely powerless and just want to be there in that beautiful weather at the theme parks. Yes I’m aware it wouldn’t end my anxiety and depression, but I bet the warm weather coupled with the theme parks would be a massive pick me up.

I’ve been to Disney and Universal a handful of times throughout the years and always wanted that escape from the Midwest permanently. I’m aware working for the parks would be different, but honestly it can’t be any worse than the Midwest…I’ve been trying for years to work for the parks for litteral years. First through the collage program, but was rejected not once but twice! A few years apart too, and always turned down for anything I applied too posted on their website since I’ve now aged out of the collage program. Including custodial! Which I have 14 years experience in :(

I wish I just had the money to pick up and leave, not I do not have that luxury and would need an offer before I just packed up. I also cannot stand my family’s reaction to this want of mine always trying to tell me of how awesome the state is…using Facebook and showing me posts from people who have visited maybe once for a few days…bro they have not been here in the middle of January when it’s negative outside they come for summer fest or whatever. So no, I’m sorry those peoples opinions do not count. Sometimes they tell me to just move then if I’m so unhappy. Well I can’t just move because of this thing called money.

I hate drowning in my anxiety and depression, which honestly is what makes up most of my days. I don’t know why I’m writing this, just wanted to vent I guess.

#CheckInWithMe
#Depression
#MajorDepressiveDisorder #MentalHealth #Anxiety #SuicidalIdeation #SuicidalThoughts

i am here my mind is where?

#lost #MentalHealth #Depression #SuicidalIdeation #SuicidalThoughts #SuicideAttemptSurvivors #Addiction #gone

i feel like im on the verge of snapping. if one more thing goes wrong im gonna end it all. im so done with everything.#SuicidalIdeation #SuicidalThoughts #Depression

I feel like such a failure. It’s been almost a year and I’ve been hard core struggling to find a job. Basically getting anyone to call me back and set up an interview. Of the few interviews I’ve had those writing the job descriptions and those interviewing are on completely different pages. One time I was given the completely wrong address to where the interview was happening, it was to an interception and the building was half a block down the road. The guy who gave me in the directions was confused why I just didn’t know where I was going with his poor directions. Another I applied to was for a part time position and when i arrived they switched it to a floating position. When I told them I was withdrawing my name because I wasn’t able to meet the floating requirements the interviewer kept calling and leaving me aggressive messages. I finally had to block him because he wouldn’t take no for an answer.

Due to my disabilities, my aunt has been helping me find and apply for jobs. However, no matter how many times I tell and show my aunt that I have accounts on indeed, LinkedIn, zip recruiter etc. She continues to google open positions and I have to spend days afterwards unsubscribing to scam and junk emails and reporting phone numbers to junk it’s madness. They aren’t even emails and numbers from potential job openings it’s sex pills, genitalia enlargement, elons heaters and windows etc 🙄

No matter how many times I show her and even log into these accounts she continues to just use google. I’m starting to worry that maybe due to this I’ve been the victim of identity theft because some of the sites she’s keeps putting my information into are…interesting to say the least.

I do not know what else to do to receive the help I need but not continue to have my information put into these websites and applications…how do I get through to my aunt that she can’t just use google, that’s it’s causing more hurt that help and she can use the websites I’ve provided.

I’m miserable, and still drowning in grief over the loss of someone very very special to me who passes super suddenly over a year ago. And now my mom is making unwanted comments about how I could just get a stocking job…if that’s her thought process then what was the point of my college degrees?

I just wish I could close my eyes and never wake up. I’ll more than likely live in poverty my entire life constantly struggling to make ends meet. My ‘friends’ are a complete joke and only message me when it’s convenient for them otherwise I’m left unread for days. The currently political situation is also complicating find a decent job and will continue the already massive gap between the rich and poor. My cycle continues to bother me, but no doctor will help me deal with the pain because ’what if I want children?’ I do not, and besides I’m single have no potential prospects and have only maybe 3 years left to safely start a family. I also don’t want a child to have any of the mental issues I’ve dealt with for years.

I just honestly wanna check out. I’m tired of the constant struggle emotionally, physically and mentally. I’m not sure any of this is really worth it anymore.✌🏻

#Depression #MajorDepressiveDisorder #SuicidalIdeation #SuicidalThoughts #CheckInWithMe #Grief #PTSD

Videos Included are from top minds/Clinical Researchers/thought leaders….

Videos Included titled:

How To Recover From Depression

How To Transfer The Genetic Causes of Depression

Transforming Suffering

How To Deal With Strong Emotions

Releasing Trauma From Your Body

How To Stop Being Triggered

Overcoming PTSD Triggers

Learning To Respond Not React

Break Free From Imprisoning Beliefs

And, Must Know Knowledge About Narcissists

Dr. Brene Brown (Famous Emotions Researcher) talks about it all and so does Dr. Deepak Chopra, Dr. Wayne Dyer, Jon Kabat-Zinn, Tara Brach, Pema Chodron…

Plus some of the best guided meditations and visualizations/guided imagery And Pure Relaxation Techniques amongst others…

Plus The Music That Actually Empowered Me, Helped Me Let Go, Helped Me Find Inner Peace, Self-Love, Self-Esteem…And JOY And HOPE at the times I couldn’t see it…

youtube.com/playlist

#Selfharm #SuicidalIdeation #SuicidalThoughts #SuicideAttemptSurvivors #Suicide #ComplexPosttraumaticStressDisorder #PTSD #MentalHealth #Depression #Anxiety #Trauma #DistractMe #MightyTogether #MoodDisorders