Suicidal Ideation

I am knowingfor making dark jokes at work. Yet at the same time its my way of crying out for help that feel like falls on deaf ears. I dont want to say anything to my phychatrist because i do not want to end up back inpatient yet i feel my self falling into the deep dark black hole of my mind
#SuicidalIdeation #Depression #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder

I had a bit of a rough session on Monday and afterward I sent my theraapist a follow-up email explaining that there were some things I hadn't told her about and also that I don't really want to talk about them, I just wanted to explain that those things likely had an impack on why I reacted the way I did. But because I'm me I added at the end of my email "I really want to add that I'm fine, somehow I feel like you probably won't believe/agree with that. But like really I'm fine:) " AND THIS LADY responded with "I know you are "fine." AND it sounds like there are other feelings you have too that maybe we can talk through next session?"

Like ma'am, why is fine IN QUOTATION MARKS?! That's just rude 😂 Has my world completely changed in the last month? Yes. Am I overwhlemed and occassionally very passively suicidal? Yes. Have I had multiple selfharm relapses recently? Also yes. But those are all totally besides the point. It's fine. I'm fine. Everything is FINE. She doesn't seem convienced tho and I'm offended (said scarstically).

Like why do we have to go and bring emotions into the conversation? Those things can get stuffed into a box and shoved in a corner where they belong.

#Therapy #dbttherapist #DBT #Emotions #ImFine #SuicidalIdeation #Selfharm #relaspe #College #almostfinals #itsokaytonotbeokay #butnotmetho #Depression #Anxiety #ADHD

Sometimes I convience myself that I'm exaggerating my issues and am in fact mentally stable. And then days like today happen and the overwhleming desire to hural myself off a cliff tells me that maybe I'm not so stable after all.

I hate knowing I'm catastrophizing and yet I'm not able to calm or change the emotions around them. I have a final exam today in a class I might fail if I don't do well on this exam and I'm So. Freaking. Stressed. I have studied for hours but there is just so much they told us to "make sure we know it could show up on the exam" and I'm overwhlemed by it all.

It doesn't help that 3 weeks ago my dad died and I missed 2 weeks of school a month before the end of the semester. I'm exhusted by how much I've had to work and yet I've barely touched the mountian of things I need to do. I'm tired of feeling like I'm doing everything I can and it's still not enough, it will never be enough. I want out. Not just out of college, out of the pressure, I want out of life. But I can't do that to my family. They don't desreve the pain of loosing my dad and me.

I was freaking out earilier and texting a friend, and I had to catch myself with the dark humor stuff I was saying because I didn't want to worry her - though I might have anyway. I don't know what to do in those moments when I feel the weight of the world crashing down and I so genuinely want nothing more then to admit defeat and take an entire bottle of pills but know that I can't. I'm not even sure what to call that; active passive suicidality, maybe? It's not quite being actively suicidal because I didn't have a plan to do anything. I just desperately wished I did.

#Depression #Grief #Suicide #Anxiety #SuicidalIdeation #College #finalsstress #ADHD

How long after hospitalization for a suicide attempt were you able to return to normalcy? I am 7 weeks out of the hospital and am still not ready. I am still struggling every day. I have Bipolar II, bpd, anxiety, ptsd, and panic disorder. I feel like I can't catch a break 😪 Just needed to vent and look for some support. Thank you

Being bipolar I feel like it’s hard to live in the moment when you finally feel ‘normal’. I feel like when my mood is stable I just have anxiety over the next episode. I hit my rock bottom from a prolonged, and intense, mania episode. I was impulsive, and did a lot of self sabotaging, then ultimately had a suicide attempt. I went inpatient, then went to residential for 6 weeks. I just recently got out and am doing intensive outpatient therapy. I am trying to be in tune with my mood, but i find that I am constantly waiting for my next ‘break down’. I hyperfocus on everything I do wondering if it’s a sign of mania or depression coming back around. Does anyone have advice on how to appreciate mood stability without over analyzing it? #BipolarDisorder #Bipolar1Disorder #BipolarDepression #Anxiety #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder #SuicidalIdeation