Suicidal Ideation

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TW hopeless, exclusionism, swearing, vent

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What’s the point of being here?
This world just hates anybody who is different. Why am I here? I don’t want to be here… I want my old home. This planet was never my home. I don’t want this home. It just hates anybody who is different. This “home” was meant to put me and others in misery. This “home” was meant to make us feel ignored. I didn’t deserve this shit. There’s absolutely no community in this world that I feel completely safe in anymore, including the LGBTQIA+ community with all of the constant bullshit gatekeeping and invalidation. I’ve given up on any form of social media a year ago (I guess except here) - it’s just always filled with drama.

I don’t want to be born here. Not in this sad place. I hate it here. Why was I born here?!?!

I’m trans nonbinary, I’m black, I’m overweighted, I’m non-romantically polyamorous, I’m nonhuman (aka I hate being called human, not in a pessimist way, just self-identification for personal reasons), I’m on both aromantic and asexual spectrums. I have plenty of triggers thanks to trauma and honestly how stupidly problematic some individuals can be. And I do not want to be on this stupid planet any longer. Sometimes I wonder if being dead would be worth it, honestly, if it would solve my problems. I’m trying to keep going, but I just cannot fucking stand this world. It feels so fucking hopeless at this point: I swear, one more cyber-bullying raid online, one more transphobic political bill, one more misusing autistic as “weird” or “quirky”, one more misuse of the word “triggered”….

#MyAutismIsNotADisorder #MentalHealth #Anxiety #GeneralizedAnxietyDisorder #SocialAnxiety #LGBTQ #Exclusionism #Vent #Trauma #triggerwarning #SuicidalIdeation #SuicidalThoughts #hopeless

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I'm having a really bad panic attack right now

Please only read this post if your in the right mind and can because I'll be talking in detail about suicide, suicidal thoughts, self harm and it's basically all trauma dumping too.
So my friend just commited suicide like I mentioned in my other post but today I saw her suicide letter and after seeing that I feel so so so horribly triggered and genuinely like I have to commit suicide too right now. Don't worry , I'm way too big of a coward to actually do it but I'm just so disturbed I cannot put it into words. There's so many similarities between our situation. There's so much. Her entire plan of suicide is exactly like how I've imagined suicide everyday since I got depressed. The same scenario where I actually have the courage to commit it. The way I do it. That scenario I think of everyday. And this is like that scenario come to life. Her way of ending her suffering whilst also making the people who hurt her suffer by committing suicide is so twistingly inspiring to me because I also have severe depression. I genuinely feel a NEED to do it. Like as if it's a must because she didn't even have to deal with being in physical pain all the time and she did it so how the hell should I still be standing when I have to deal with all these symptoms everyday while someone who wasn't even in chronic pain did it. Did what I've wanted to do for so long. The way that the people around her treated her. God it's so similar to how the people around me treat me. And the worst part is the blame. She said she has no friend to talk to about her struggles and no one will care if she died her friends won't even notice. I literally spent the entire morning crying. She really thought I didn't care about her? I offered so many times "do you wanna vent" "do you wanna vent" "I'll listen if you need to talk about anything" "wanna talk about it" what did I do that made her feel like I wasn't a safe enough person to talk to? What could I have done to make her feel safe??? She probably didn't even think of me while writing this since she didn't consider me one of her immediate friends but she was definately one of my closest friends. God the panic attack is not stopping and I feel like I'm about to throw up or die or something. I literally have tution in a few hours too. Sorry for concerning anyone I just really needed somewhere to get this down and share because I have literally no one to talk to. Oh god she's gone it's hitting me that I can't do anything at all. Yesterday was her funeral and her birthday both together. They found the letter afterwards. I'm literally so disturbed right now. The suicidal thoughts are so strong. I would genuinely appreciate any kind words or validation at all.#Fibromyalgia #MajorDepressiveDisorder #Depression #SuicidalIdeation #SuicidalThoughts #Selfharm

14 reactions 10 comments
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How to cope with a friend's death when your already struggling so much?

Trigger warning: suicide, suicidal thoughts, self harm
I live struggling every single day. I have many chronic illnesses and constant depression. I deal with suicidal thoughts everyday. For the past year things have been even more hellish because I have such a massive responsibility on my shoulders. School has gotten extremely tough and I have no other option but to study so much as no one in my life has enough mercy to let me even take a break seeing the situation my health is in. I've talked about how hard my life is in other posts. I deal with 24/7 body pain and chronic pain and I'm constantly on edge and have to work alot on top of this because of school. Since January things got even tougher because my entire support system that I had with my studies has been taken away from me and I have to manage so much more stuff now as my exams are literally in 2 months. I'm barely holding on. On top of this, yesterday, I got the news that one of my online friends committed suicide. I hadn't talked to her much recently but I knew she was struggling alot. We had talked alot in December and January. I wasn't one of her closest friends but she was one of my closest friends if that makes sense. Since yesterday more and more news is coming out on her and with every bit of news, it triggers me more and more. Just like Me, she was extremely depressed and did self harm. She was also sick but in a very different way. One thing that is absolutely burdening me so much is that maybe if I were online at that time I could've said something to her or convinced her in some way to not do it. I know I probably couldn't have because she would probably not listen to me. But maybe? Just maybe she just needed to hear one word from someone and I could've been that someone. Maybe even if not then and there but backs hen we used to talk, I could've said something that would've stopped the dominos from falling that eventually led her to do this. Maybe I could've just done something. I know the chance is really slim but just maybe? I didn't seriously consider that she would do this because she had alot of people that loved and were there for her. I don't even have that. The thing that triggered me the absolute most was when I heard her friend say "I think she just couldn't bare the pain in her body" because the pain in my body is unbearable and puts me on the edge so often. Because of it I deal with suicidal thoughts all the time. I feel so triggered and also like I could've done something even though I know I couldn't have. I didn't even know that this was happening. I know I couldn't have done anything but just that little piece of doubt that I could've is throwing me off the edge. I have so much work, I can't even give right now. I'm in shock and just numb. I don't really have support at all either and that's why I keep coming online to vent as I have no shoulder to cry on or anyone to sincerely talk to as anyone that I talk to just invalidates me and I know that if I died that more relief will be felt than sadness. At least I think so. I don't know what to do at all. I don't know how to manage all this. I'm already really worried about alot of people in my life that I genuinely love and care about that are not in good positions. So this happening triggers me in so many ways. I'm so worried about everyone else now. I feel like I'm going insane. I have literally no idea what to do. I feel like I'm being overdramatic since she didn't really consider me one of her immediate friends but we had been friends for a year and at least I considered her a good friend of mine. She didn't contact me at all before doing this. If she did, I would've absolutely done everything I could've. All the messages I sent her today if I sent them yesterday then maybe who knows just maybe I could've helped her. I know it probably wouldn't have happened that way but just maybe? I was already on the edge and now I feel like I'm dangling of it. Like I'm done. I have to manage so much and work so much whilst being this sick and dealing with so many mental health issues too and getting invalidated by every medical professional I meet whether it's a therapist or a doctor. I have to figure out what to do with my health. Deal with studying 24/7. Be worried about so many people. Finish all these to do lists. Try to maybe keep up with hobbies for support. Try to survive all this and over. Literally all of this and then now this. I was already feeling like I was about just die at any point and now I just have no idea what to do. Today is her birthday too. She died a day before her birthday. There's so much to manage and do. There's so much to deal with. I feel like I'm making everything about myself but I'm in hell rn. I don't know what to do. If anyone has anyone advice or validation let me know. I am safe so don't worry about that but I'm just in so much pain. Physically, emotionally and mentally. It's been such a hard year and we're only on February.
#Fibromyalgia #ChronicIllness #ChronicFatigue #Depression #PTSD #SuicidalThoughts #SuicidalIdeation #ObsessiveCompulsiveDisorder

7 reactions 3 comments
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Enough

Cornered. Hopeless. BPD has ruled and ruined any chance at life for me. My dad was an undiagnosed Borderline. I was his rage’s favorite target. My earliest memory is age 3 hiding in a closet as he rampaged so he wouldn’t find me. He did. My inheritance was an even worse case of BPD along with major depression and extreme anxiety.

I’ve been on every iteration of every psych drug since 1964. I’ve tried brain wave therapy, bio-feedback, DBT, CBT, two rounds of infusion Ketamine and TMS and I’ve been hospitalized. Nothing even dents this. The pain. The cycles of self harm. The suicidal ideation. The vibrating anxiety- racing heart - unable to catch my breath. The trembling. The psychic pain which leaves me curled under a blanket because light, sound, touch, it’s all too much.

My wife of almost 24 years has had enough. I don’t blame her. I’ve been unable to work for 23 years because of this disease and a buffet of physical illnesses. The entire burden of our finances sits with her. It’s so unfair. When we first married I was able to hold a job. That didn’t last. I’m terrified of her leaving - yet I can’t say I’d do different if our places were reversed.

My anger terrifies her, though the only person I’ve ever injured is me. My desperate crying when I dissolve into the world of my past abuse has exhausted her. She’s at her end and I don’t blame her having lived the other side because of my father.

Now I’ve been told I’m going both blind and deaf at the same time. Macular Degeneration and hearing nerve damage which hearing aids won’t help. I’m almost 70. I’m tired of fighting so many battles I’ve never had any chance to win.
#BorderlinePersonalityDisorder #Depression #Anxiety #ChronicIllness #hopeless #MentalHealth #SuicidalIdeation #ChronicPain #UlcerativeColitis #ChronicObstructivePulmonaryDisease #Blindness #Deafness #Abuse #PTSD

36 reactions 18 comments
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Dignitas #MightyPoets #MentalHealth #PTSD #Depression #Fightingthegoodfight #SuicidalThoughts #SuicidalIdeation

It seems to me the noblest way to go:
A legal, self-propitiating end;
Released relief and tender kiss
from one effacing peace that can't
delay or disappoint, anymore.

If only I could sever my belonging,
Saying truthfully "I hurt no-one",
"I leave no wake-ing pain after my last-ing act.
To muliply my mess would be
Irrational, unloving.

Thus, at this particular end I chip my start:
I love my family too much to end my life
And hate them, for they prompt in me
This heartless love that means
I mustn't.

The love of man compells me in this fight.
Why should it?

(edited)
6 reactions 6 comments
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New support groups & other possible resources 😮‍💨

Hi!
I heard from my advocate and she connected me with the now differently local NAMI branch since I have been displaced.

I immediately called them and signed up for two new support groups- one (a general connection one) meets tomorrow, so I feel good about having an almost “appointment” for lack of a better word. It is a step. Even if it doesn’t work. I feel a lot more hopeful than I did this morning. The other group, also through NAMI, will meet in two weeks and is one that is art and journaling- I’m really hopeful about this group. It meets in a “drop in art center” for anyone with a mental health diagnosis! So I am going to try to “drop in” soon (maybe even today!) to see where it is for the meeting and also what I need to do to sign up for drop ins. 🥳

Lastly, this NAMI branch also offers caring calls where someone calls you for about 30 minutes once a week to just talk and it is good for when you’re in between therapy. It’s a form of connection I desperately need. So I’ll be signing up for that as well.

My advocate is going to call me back tomorrow so we can form a plan for our next steps with the agencies that have violated my rights.

Finally making progress. It’s been such a rough couple of weeks. Thank you to all of you who have liked/commented on my posts. It helps to have this community

#Anxiety #ComplexPosttraumaticStressDisorder #PostTraumaticStressDisorder #PTSD #Trauma #ChronicVestibularMigraine #Migraine #Agoraphobia #PanicAttacks #SuicidalIdeation #ADHD #Disability

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TW: passive suicidal thoughts

I am safe, not in danger of hurting myself or others. These thoughts almost always occur during panic attacks. But my panic attacks are rolling and every day so it’s really hard.

But the last few months of being displaced with even less control of where I am or what I have or who is around me have been disabling. I had no idea that this level of trauma would shut me down to a point where I actually cannot do much.

My symptoms are much more severe than they were only a year ago. This limits my ability to think clearly, leave the house, make decisions, communicate, and self regulate.

The disengaged and degrading responses I have had from the people who were supposed to help me, especially this year, has cost me a lot of self respect.

It’s really hard to respect yourself when you are constantly defending what you see as your worth to society.

I am living in a nightmare (see previous posts) and it’s gotten worse over the years. Now I have seen what everyone fears- no one cares. I asked for help over and over again. And most people didn’t respond. My life was in danger and my friends and family caused more harm. I am relying on my boyfriend I met in August who has thankfully been helping me. He is basically the only one who talks to me.

Being disabled has made my world incredibly small. When I try to talk to people, they don’t really respond. People don’t engage with me. I have tried various ways of getting involved with others but it hasn’t worked out.

I am currently experiencing a lot of passive suicidal thoughts that I “should” die because I saw what everyone fears- very little people care about me- objectively. I have been in danger and asked for help and been ignored hundreds of times. People have helped but did a lot of harm in the meantime.

I am worried about posting this because I don’t want my experience minimized. I really did lost every thing I worked for. I don’t know myself at all. I haven’t heard from anyone about getting help from somewhere else because I have been displaced so many times.

I am so so so scared.

Please do not respond by telling me I need to get help etc. part of the problem over the years is that I have worked endlessly to get what I need and try different things but I can’t make the services appear. I also am struggling because I have been displaced so many times and homelessness does not lead to consistency in care or support. I am currently waiting (again) to hear from my advocate, who has been out for two weeks. It’s really hard to get help when your situation is seen as impossible by the community who is supposed to help you.

#Trauma #Disability #SuicidalIdeation #SuicidalThoughts #PTSD #Agoraphobia #ComplexPosttraumaticStressDisorder #ChronicVestibularMigraine #PanicAttacks

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I hope my life can still be beautiful because…

He has the kind of hugs that pull you in, make you feel small, and give you the kind of comfort that you can’t push away and just when you start to, he squeezes a bit tighter which makes you stay just a little bit longer. He’s warm, but not too hot, smells like a faint smell of old spice and laundry detergent, and when he really hugs, it just makes you want to stay a little bit longer. I don’t always appreciate him wanting to hug me when I’m sad and maybe that’s because I’m use to processing on my own, I was a parentified child to a large extent after all and until I met him, I’ve been left to manage my emotions alone or not show them at all. His love language is touch, mine is to run. How do you move past the urge to run when you’re angry, sad, or heart broken or to fight when you get overstimulated to the point of eruption? I’m still figuring that one out. How do you keep your body and soul from feeling sad when you hear music that describes your pain? When do you get old enough to move on and truly let go? I give myself grace, but when will I finally feel whole again? Sure I have weaves of stitching that I am so grateful have been created, but how does it get sewn completely back together? When will my childhood stop haunting me? I hope I can always remember to believe that my life can still be beautiful even though my childhood may always haunt me. #MentalHealth #Anxiety #Trauma #SuicidalIdeation #Depression

(edited)
4 reactions