Suicidal Ideation

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Suicidal Ideation
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    TW

    I am knowingfor making dark jokes at work. Yet at the same time its my way of crying out for help that feel like falls on deaf ears. I dont want to say anything to my phychatrist because i do not want to end up back inpatient yet i feel my self falling into the deep dark black hole of my mind
    #SuicidalIdeation #Depression #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder

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    My therapist is too good at her job lol

    I had a bit of a rough session on Monday and afterward I sent my theraapist a follow-up email explaining that there were some things I hadn't told her about and also that I don't really want to talk about them, I just wanted to explain that those things likely had an impack on why I reacted the way I did. But because I'm me I added at the end of my email "I really want to add that I'm fine, somehow I feel like you probably won't believe/agree with that. But like really I'm fine:) " AND THIS LADY responded with "I know you are "fine." AND it sounds like there are other feelings you have too that maybe we can talk through next session?"

    Like ma'am, why is fine IN QUOTATION MARKS?! That's just rude 😂 Has my world completely changed in the last month? Yes. Am I overwhlemed and occassionally very passively suicidal? Yes. Have I had multiple selfharm relapses recently? Also yes. But those are all totally besides the point. It's fine. I'm fine. Everything is FINE. She doesn't seem convienced tho and I'm offended (said scarstically).

    Like why do we have to go and bring emotions into the conversation? Those things can get stuffed into a box and shoved in a corner where they belong.

    #Therapy #dbttherapist #DBT #Emotions #ImFine #SuicidalIdeation #Selfharm #relaspe #College #almostfinals #itsokaytonotbeokay #butnotmetho #Depression #Anxiety #ADHD

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    Screaming into the void

    Sometimes I convience myself that I'm exaggerating my issues and am in fact mentally stable. And then days like today happen and the overwhleming desire to hural myself off a cliff tells me that maybe I'm not so stable after all.

    I hate knowing I'm catastrophizing and yet I'm not able to calm or change the emotions around them. I have a final exam today in a class I might fail if I don't do well on this exam and I'm So. Freaking. Stressed. I have studied for hours but there is just so much they told us to "make sure we know it could show up on the exam" and I'm overwhlemed by it all.

    It doesn't help that 3 weeks ago my dad died and I missed 2 weeks of school a month before the end of the semester. I'm exhusted by how much I've had to work and yet I've barely touched the mountian of things I need to do. I'm tired of feeling like I'm doing everything I can and it's still not enough, it will never be enough. I want out. Not just out of college, out of the pressure, I want out of life. But I can't do that to my family. They don't desreve the pain of loosing my dad and me.

    I was freaking out earilier and texting a friend, and I had to catch myself with the dark humor stuff I was saying because I didn't want to worry her - though I might have anyway. I don't know what to do in those moments when I feel the weight of the world crashing down and I so genuinely want nothing more then to admit defeat and take an entire bottle of pills but know that I can't. I'm not even sure what to call that; active passive suicidality, maybe? It's not quite being actively suicidal because I didn't have a plan to do anything. I just desperately wished I did.

    #Depression #Grief #Suicide #Anxiety #SuicidalIdeation #College #finalsstress #ADHD

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    You will survive it 🙏🏻

    My wish for you - you will survive it. #Depression #Anxiety #PTSD #DissociationDisorders #Agoraphobia #Fibromyalgia #SuicidalIdeation

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    The useful and uselessness of my medications

    (Trigger warning)
    been on medications for God knows how many years…life served me lemons, barbs, and cast all my pathways - personal, professional, social not just with thorns but with land mines - i got blown, mauled, broken to bits and reduced to rag-tag living. My depression, lows and anxiety were caused not because matters were not firing up in my brain but by repeated debilitating circumstances playing outside assaulting my sense of well being and dignity repeatedly and constantly over the years.

    Till recently I did not realize it and always assumed that the lows and setbacks I faced through my life was only temporary and I will soon get over them and better days will ensue . How wrong I was! My entire life has been a litany of failures, missed chances and assaults. I only fear it getting worse and excruciatingly severe.

    Though many keep assailing anti depressants for its suspect efficacy, it’s only the two-three tablets i take daily (plus sedatives) that has kept me functional. But nothing of my accursed circumstances have changed - nothing gives. I continue to be ignored, passed by, dismissed at best or subject to humiliation, ridicule, abuse and digs at worse. Then more direly any interface i have with people and world, where I bring myself into certain reckoning, bring my self to bear upon the world, everything jinxes, backfires and boomerangs leaving me bruised, prostrate and hollowed out. I therefore avoid socializing. I did somehow corralled my agitated self to attend a retreat but my isolation was only amplified even as i was in a group and pretending to be normal.

    Those who know me here and have followed me would know my sense of embarrassment and guilt of being a miserable failure as a care giver. My extremely sick wife let me go. It wasn’t my decision, I love/d her - what a wonderful, resilient and endearing soul she is - but does that matter? I couldn’t do much for her and my presence was not helping her. I lost so much more…so much, so immense, so invaluable…a dream, a possibility, a life🤦🏽 The brutal shame of it all…that I endure every other moment & day.😢

    The medicines coats my brain and kind of anesthesises it to my grief, agony and despair. However nothing has changed effectively but only becoming worse as I nurse my pain, loss, grief in splendid isolation with none of my kins and pals seeing much validity in my tumults & possibly seeing my suffering as my deserved comeuppance.

    the urge to stop my medicines, and suicide is just so compelling…

    My little canine- my soul and sole companion - wonder what will happen to it when gone…😢😔

    if anyone here want to connect do leave a message…🙏🏽

    #SuicidalThoughts #SuicidalIdeation #Grief #Shame #Guilt #Anxiety #dysthemia #ChronicDepression

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    Recovery Journey #Bipolar2Disorder #SuicidalIdeation #Depression #Anxiety

    How long after hospitalization for a suicide attempt were you able to return to normalcy? I am 7 weeks out of the hospital and am still not ready. I am still struggling every day. I have Bipolar II, bpd, anxiety, ptsd, and panic disorder. I feel like I can't catch a break 😪 Just needed to vent and look for some support. Thank you

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    Waiting on Mania or Depression

    Being bipolar I feel like it’s hard to live in the moment when you finally feel ‘normal’. I feel like when my mood is stable I just have anxiety over the next episode. I hit my rock bottom from a prolonged, and intense, mania episode. I was impulsive, and did a lot of self sabotaging, then ultimately had a suicide attempt. I went inpatient, then went to residential for 6 weeks. I just recently got out and am doing intensive outpatient therapy. I am trying to be in tune with my mood, but i find that I am constantly waiting for my next ‘break down’. I hyperfocus on everything I do wondering if it’s a sign of mania or depression coming back around. Does anyone have advice on how to appreciate mood stability without over analyzing it? #BipolarDisorder #Bipolar1Disorder #BipolarDepression #Anxiety #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder #SuicidalIdeation

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    #Depression #MentalHealth #SuicidalIdeation
    You know the stupid safety plan that the doctors make you do?
    I hate them
    Name 3 reasons to live.
    1.
    2.
    3.

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    The choice

    While at a dark point in my visit to the hospital I almost made the choice to hurt myself but I walked into a special person...was it by chance? I do not know till this day. But one thing is for sure, she talked me out of something I would’ve regretted.

    So I channeled that experience into a poem that to this day makes me grateful for her presence.

    To my hero. B a poem inspired by you.

    The choice

    Early one day I went on a trip and on my way I found a paperclip...

    At first it was something innocent, a fidget toy..

    But later on could my life destroy..

    I do not know how to rid myself of this dark beast that clutches my heart..

    Threatening to unearth pain, reminding me of things that tore my life apart..

    I sat there wanting to cry..My mind filled with confusion and I don’t know why...

    Should I choose to live or should I choose to die?

    Because I no longer know how to live...

    How to try..

    Being someone great..

    Someone powerful enough to change the course of fate?

    Then I walked into you and knew...

    That what I was thinking, was not what I should do..

    Thank you for your help, the opportunity to see my worth...

    The chance to have many more days on this wondrous earth..

    By Camron Botha

    #ChronicDepression #MajorDepressiveDisorder #SuicidalIdeation #IntrusiveThoughts #ObsessiveCompulsiveDisorder #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder #GeneralizedAnxietyDisorder #Choice #Love #Gratitude #help #Friendship #MentalHealth #Anxiety #Hospital #Truth #Selfharm #dont #loveyourself