Here, I am talking about an unknown cancer diagnosis- taking biopsy after biopsy, and waiting for the results. Your mind begins to spin with your worst fears and you start to run on the hamster wheel of rumination.
In this particular case, I'm talking about my cancer screening from a week ago where the doctors cut out a little piece of me and sent it off to a lab to make sure the rest of me was (God Willing), cancer free.
But this doesn't just apply to cancer. Rumination, negative self talk, and just generalized anxiety and depression all play into the fear of "What if-".
And I played right into it.
It was hard to say "It's out of my control now."
It was hard to say "God's got this."
It was hard to say "I'm thankful for 'xyz,'' because at least I still have that".
At least I still have XYZ... Reframing my mind and my perspective was exactly what I needed to do last Monday and I wasn't able to do it on my own.
So I called my best friend, Autumn, and she told me this:
"Feel your anger and whatever else, but trust God no matter what. You can still move. You can still work. You still have your dream job. Your home, your car that you love, your dog, your friends, your church, food to eat. You have so many things to be thankful for. Let those shine brighter in your life."
And I'll be honest, the positive positivity is a little annoying at times because I was so angry with God that I forgot to be grateful.
It's hard to be grateful when you're this sick. It's overwhelming and suffocating.
But there is good, because there is God.
My cancer screening came back negative the next day.
*Pictured below is Autumn baptizing me on October 30, 2022*
#Anxiety #Bipolar1Disorder #Bipolar2Disorder #Cancer #GeneralizedAnxietyDisorder #Depression #Bipolar