I'm Comfortable With the Process of Becoming. I'm Terrified at the Prospect of Being.
Even in the face of life with anxiety disorder, I take such strides to face my fears. I walk fiercely into the world armed with love. I live bravely, face uncertainty, stare down self-doubt, learn to love the me who God created, love others, tell the truth with kindness, gentleness and precision, don’t hurt others and I try to understand. I do those things. Yet, I am afraid and filled with doubt.
I started out as a sad, angry and frightened girl. I acted from a place of distrust and disappointment. Then, I decided I had to stop. So I did, a little at a time because no one changes their behavior overnight. No one becomes themselves in an instant.
I am comfortable, very comfortable, with the process of becoming. I am terrified at the prospect of being.
There it is, the complete and honest truth. I am terrified at the prospect of being. Working toward a thing is different than achieving the thing and having to continue making it into something you are and that you do. Becoming is easier than being. Moving is easier than sitting still.
Being safe is the most frightening thing of all. If something isn’t going wrong, then anything can go wrong at any moment. I was raised to understand chaos. When things become too good, too easy or too comfortable, I am afraid the world is gearing up to drop me on my head. At this point in my life, there is so much to lose. I can’t imagine what being dropped would look like.
So I bob and weave, perpetually making sure when the universe throws a punch, I can’t be hit too hard. It’s a futile exercise built on the illusion of control. I’ll take it though because in those moments I feel sane and competent. The problem with irrational beliefs is even when you know something is irrational, you can’t talk your heart out of believing it.
I’ll figure it out. This doesn’t feel true, but my life’s experience tells me it is. Isn’t getting older funny that way? For weeks, months, if I’m being honest, I’ve lived every day on the verge of a panic attack. I’ve been afraid I will fail, afraid of what succeeding looks like, afraid of letting people down, afraid of letting myself down, afraid of spiders, horror movies and the zombie apocalypse. Those are not relevant to this conversation. I digress.
I put myself through such incredible torture. Then, everything ends up working out. Then, I have the all too familiar conversation with myself, “Why do you put yourself through this every time?” The answer is always, “It’s the irrational pact I’ve made with the universe. If I emotionally flagellate myself sufficiently, then I will have earned the right for everything to turn out OK. If I don’t suffer adequately, then I cannot be rewarded with the outcome.”
It’s silly. Yet, every time I’m certain things will not be OK unless I participate in this useless exercise. They simply cannot. Then, they usually are.
Believe me, there are plenty of times when things turn to sh*t, but most of the time, things are fine. Yet, the self-torture seems to be working. Why mess with something that’s working so well? I know deep down it’s completely irrational. I have been frequently told as much by all of the rational people in my life. But what if they’re wrong? So the vicious circular logic continues.
In reality, no amount of suffering, self-imposed or otherwise, is going to earn a good outcome or a bad one. It’s just going to mean I am hysterical as my life unfolds.
Here I sit, on the verge of great and exciting things about to happen, the publication of my first book in particular. While I am so excited, honored and beyond my wildest dreams happy, I am also completely panic-stricken. So there’s that.
All I can really do is keep showing up. Just one foot in front of the other, day in and day out showing up, kind of. I’m going to be scared. I’m going to be unsure. I’m going to do it anyway. I’m going to need some Xanax.
Image via Thinkstock.
Erin Mahone is a mental health professional, an author, storyteller, facilitator, producer and podcaster living in Portland, Oregon. She has worked in community mental health and nonprofit settings for 15 years building stronger, more inclusive communities for people of all ages and abilities. Erin is the founder and director of The #IfYouCouldSeeMe Project a multi-media, group, personal narrative storytelling initiative providing space for people to uncover their stories associated with mental health, trauma, neurodiversity, and intersectional identities. Participants work collectively to find their voice, speak the truth, and take shame off the table. If You Could See Me provides workshops in flexible settings to support people in the unearthing and development of stories culminating in live events for participants to share their story for a supportive audience. Erin’s work focuses on creating radically safe spaces for people to understand the ways their trauma (big T and little t) affects their life, claim their worthiness, eliminate shame, and build a healing framework through story, self-compassion, and boundary setting. It’s more than storytelling it’s story-shifting. Erin is the author of the book If You Could See Me: Life, Motherhood, and the Pursuit of Sanity (Authors Place Press, 2018), a collection of stories from her life as an anxious, creative trauma survivor trying to make sense of the world and evolve for the sake of her children and her personal peace. Erin has written for numerous publications including: The Mighty, UpWorthy, and Psychology Today. She is also the creator of the one-woman show, It Runs in the Family, a humorous and heartbreaking collections of songs and stories highlighting her family history of mental illness. Erin earned her M.S. in Counselor Education at Longwood University in Farmville, Virginia, and completed her B.A. with a double major in Psychology and Sociology at Mary Baldwin University in Staunton, Virginia. Erin is licensed as a Resident in Counseling in the Commonwealth of Virginia and a Counselor Intern in the state of Oregon. She is currently under supervision to complete licensure in both locations. She is also a credentialed anti-bias facilitator and trauma treatment professional.
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