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5 Minutes in an Anxious Mind When Getting Ready for Work

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Today I don’t want to go to work.

I don’t want to go to work because I don’t want to leave the house. I don’t want to leave the house because the thought of leaving my home makes my chest clench even tighter. I don’t want my chest to clench this tight because when it does I can’t think straight. When it does, I can’t even make the most simple decision.

How many decisions stand between me and leaving the house?

How many decisions stand between me and a completed day of work?

Too many.

What if I make the wrong one? What if I look stupid? What if I freeze? What if? What if?

The thought of leaving makes me freeze. How many things do I need to do before I leave this house? My room is a mess, I can’t find anything, I don’t have the right shoes for work, my pants don’t fit. How on earth have I put on this much weight? Why is it still here? What is happening to me?

I stare into the mirror. Twenty-five and in the worst shape of my life. I try and hold back the tears.

Do you know what the worst part is? I want to go to work. I want to be back to “normal.” Driven, ambitious, outgoing, confident. My normal. I want to snap out of it. I want every single self-help book to suddenly help again. Videos, research, connections. I know what I need to do, I know how to do it, so why is it so goddamn hard?

I know what to do, yet it is my own mind working against me to stop it.

It’s betrayal on the worst level.

Who can you trust if you can’t even trust yourself?

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Thinkstock photo via monkeybusinessimages

Originally published: June 23, 2017
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