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Thank You to My Better Half for Loving Me Through My Grief

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My heart and mind have been skipping all over the place. I go from anger to grief to confusion to sadness to hope with a dash of creativity and a side of anxiety all at once.

There are moments when I know you’re at a complete loss as to what to say, think or do. I must apologize for the moments when I’ve shouted in frustration, “You don’t understand how I feel!” while I’m engulfed in the ebb and flow of my tears and sorrow.

Then there are moments I gaze at you with love and admiration for being my raft while I’m overwhelmed with waves of grief.

Cancer stole pieces of my dad before it took him from us. It denied my father the opportunity to have a normal relationship with you, and it denied you the chance to know him whole. I am haunted by the simple fact that you were never given the opportunity to sit in a restaurant and enjoy a meal with my father, my family and me. I am broken hearted you never were given the privilege to truly bond with my father.

Precious memories were robbed from us.

My grief journey is complicated, jumbled and chaotic. Despite all my pain and suffering, I see you. I see you through my veil of tears. I feel you holding me up when I am falling down. I feel your love during my darkest moments. 

My father’s death still seems unreal. One minute he was alive and speaking to me, now he is not. One moment he was breathing, the next he was not. My father’s death has left an agonizing sting on my heart.

Your love is what is healing my fear. Your love is what calms my distressed heart. Your love is what mends my broken mind and body. Your love is what I can count on. 

Your ability to love me through my grief is a magnificent gift.

In my mind’s eye, I see us sitting by my father’s side the night before he died. I was devastated and was convinced I would die, too. I sat there holding my father’s hand, focusing all my attention on his hand. I wanted to remember my father’s strong grip and the man who guided and protected me my entire life. The pain in my heart was staggering. His cries were heartbreaking. We couldn’t give him food, we couldn’t bring him fluids. I was watching my father die, and I felt helpless.   

Out of the corner of my eye, I noticed you rising up to slowly massage my father’s back. I listened to you comfort my father, vowing to take care of me. I watched a single tear roll down my father’s cheek. With tears in my eyes, I witnessed my first love slowly fade away and  watched my last love begin to take his place. Thank you.

Like a knight in shining armor, you’re determined to protect my heart and shield me from the pain of my grief. As you guide me with your love and witness my grief, you’re giving me the greatest gift of all. The gift of your unconditional love and the strength to continue my life with courage and bravery.

As I walk through my grief journey, you’re teaching me that love is a gift each of us has to offer to our neighbors, friends and family.

With love and understanding, all things are possible.

Originally published: June 22, 2016
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