I’d forgotten how ugly grief is.
I forgot that it’s unpredictable and hits without warning, even on days when you start out feeling well. It sucks your confidence. It’s panic attacks when you least expect them. It’s the sudden realization that you’ll never see that person again. You won’t see their smile, hear their voice and feel their embrace.
And it’s messy. It’s messy because you find yourself running out of napkins from the glovebox of your car and having nothing left to blow your nose or dab your eyes with. It’s a trail of used tissues and random objects left in random places because it’s too hard to remember where you put them.
And it’s painful. Painful because your heart is heavy, your body is tense and aching. Painful because your cheeks and lips burn with the heat from 1,000 suns, your tears suddenly made of battery acid.
And it’s draining. It’s feeling heavy and tired. Working harder than you want to, harder than you think you can. It’s napping at odd times. It’s sleepless nights because memories flood over you like a wave, leaving you gasping and your lungs screaming for air.
And it’s uncomfortable. And it makes you feel odd. And it makes you feel alone. And it makes you feel empty.
And it’s beautiful. Beautiful because it means something was real. Beautiful because it means that somebody made you feel. Made you really, truly feel. Because without connection, there would be no sadness. But without connection, there would be nothing.
I’d forgotten how beautiful grief is.
Unsplash via @tinamosquito