Why I'm Grieving Family Members Who Aren't in My Life Anymore
When I first disclosed what happened to me, I honestly wasn’t sure what to expect. I knew I needed to share these things to heal, but I was terrified. I didn’t know what would happen. The truth is, I’m still learning what happens next.
Since disclosing, I have lost many things (though I will say I have gained more than I have lost). I have learned that not everyone is able to accept or believe what you tell them. That doesn’t make what you went through any less valid. I could write more on that, but that’s another story in and of itself. An entire half of my family is this way, and it has been extremely painful and hard to cope with these feelings. One of the hardest things in the world is feeling the loss of someone who is so close we can almost touch them but so unreachable.
We know about grief but the truth is we don’t often talk about grieving people who are still alive. I wish that none of you could ever relate to this, but unfortunately I know many of you can. So, this is for all of you who are grieving someone who is still alive. I see you. You aren’t alone.
I am grieving.
And before you ask, no one died.
But I am grieving.
I am grieving people who are still alive.
I am grieving.
And there’s no end in sight.
Because I am grieving.
And there will be no closure and never any goodbye.
No funerals to go to.
No condolences from friends and family or reminders of, “They’re in a better place.”
No answers to my questions or way to say what’s on the tip of my tongue
No more memories to be made and no future plans to ever come
A piece of my heart will always smile when I think of you,
And even though it kills me, it reminds me I’m lucky too.
So much love for you lives inside me but has nowhere to go
So it shows itself as tears in my eyes, a hole in my chest and a lump in my throat.
And in the quiet of the night when the world is asleep,
The silence and stillness remind me of you.
And if I close my eyes tight, I can almost see you smile and laugh as if you’re here too.
So, I try to smile and seem carefree,
But it feels as though I’m not missing you.
It’s that you are missing from me,
And I hide my tears when someone says your name
But the gaping hole in my heart screams just the same
And they say grief is like an ocean, it comes in waves
But it seems I am stuck in a riptide, unable to get away.
I am grieving.
And I am trying to remember this is not necessarily the end
But I am grieving.
Because I do not know if I will ever be in your life again.
I am grieving.
And I am at a loss for what to do.
Because I am grieving
I am grieving the loss of you.
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Thinkstock photo via Archv
I am a social work student and mental health advocate. My talents include tripping over my own feet, laughing at the most inappropriate of times, being indecisive, socially awkward, extremely sensitive, and taking everything personally. My hobbies include reading and writing, slam poetry, spending hours over thinking everything I’ve ever said and done in my life, trying to convince my shadow I’m someone worth following, and tending to the graveyard in my closet. I, like most things in life, am a work in progress, but I also love deeply and unconditionally and will give anything to see another smile. My writing comes from the heart, and I always intend to speak on important issues, raise awareness, drop some truth bombs, stamp out the stigma, and most of all ensure no one ever feels alone. Oftentimes, my writing portrays what I myself would like to hear because, I feel if it is something I needed to hear someone else most likely does as well. I founded Phoenix Arising in June of 2017 as an outlet to express myself and these goals as well as be a platform for others to share their work as well. I love each and every one of you. Let’s climb this mountain of life together.
christinas