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To My Son, Who Helped Me Realize I Am 'Enough' – Illness and All

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Dear Louis,

Today we were talking about the trip we took last month so I could be seen at Mayo Clinic. I told you how sorry I was that mommy is sick and has to go to the doctor so much, and what you said to me is something I will hold in my heart forever. You said, “It’s OK that you’re sick, I’m just glad you’re my mom.”

You brought me to tears. I feel so guilty for getting sick, but hearing that helped me see that I am enough. Just as I am. Illness and all. That I am not the burden and failure I tell myself I am. That I matter and am loved. You are only 8 years old and have more understanding and empathy than most. Thank you for all of the sunshine and beauty you have brought into my life, and the lives of everyone around you. You are an amazing person, and I am so proud of you and the young man you are becoming.

Life hasn’t been what I had planned for, and I know me getting sick has been hard on everyone. There’s so much I want to be able to do with you, but can’t because I don’t feel well. I have felt guilty for every precious moment I had to spend at the hospital, that I would much have rather spent at home with you and our family. I am so thankful for the special moments we are able to spend together, and the times I am able to push through and we are able to make extra special memories.

At the age of 5 you told me you wanted to be a urologist so you could help sick people like mommy. I know that no matter what you decide to do that you will continue to have a positive impact on the world around you. The world needs more kind hearts, and it gives me hope when I see what loving, caring and sweet people you and your brother and sister are becoming.

Since you were born eight years ago, I have had nine kidney stone operations, and two parathyroid operations – my second parathyroid operation leaving me with hypoparathyroidism. The past five years have been so scary and uncertain, but together and as a family we have been brave and will face this together. Your dad and you kiddos have taught me so much about what really matters, and unconditional love. I am so thankful you are a part of my life. I’m also thankful for your grandmas, great-grandma, and loved ones who care about us.

I am so thankful for your dad for being a source of unconditional support and not giving up on me. I am thankful for your brother Ben and your sister Zoe for being such a beautiful part of our family. You guys bring so much sunshine into my life, and I am so lucky to be your mommy. You make my life so beautiful. Thank you for being you.

Love always,

Getty Image by ARTindividual


Originally published: May 9, 2018
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