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How I Learned to 'Let Go' in My Life With a Disability

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I saw “Ursula” for the first time a few months ago. She would become a faithful companion and friend — who happens to be a plant.

At the beginning, I was confused if she was a corn plant or a yucca plant. After posting pictures on Facebook, my friends and I concluded she was, in fact, a yucca plant. I then hit the internet to learn how to care for my newfound friend, whom I named Ursula. All the tips emphasized that “over-watering” is the biggest mistake regarding yucca plants. My husband Denis started watering it as directed by the internet experts. Once every two weeks seems to be sufficient for potted yucca plants.

Ursula crossed my path in the middle of a very intense moment in my life. My 55th
birthday was approaching, and my 30th anniversary of dealing with HIV. I found myself dealing with some new, uncomfortable attitudes as well as some new, unwelcome feelings of anxiety and fear. I found myself looking for some kind of epiphany or Renaissance. I was looking for a total transformation of myself, a rebirth of some kind. This was going to be my present to myself.

Four years ago, I landed full time in a wheelchair. I’m proud of all the efforts I have made to learn to live with it. I also knew a large part of the world out there was not available to me due to my wheelchair. Fear, anxiety and insecurities often seemed to prevent me from enjoying these things before I became disabled. So it was time to identify, confront and vanquish the obstacles that have found their way into my daily life.

The first thing I confronted was deciding to get my ass to the annual New York City Gay Pride parade for the first time in many years. My second, and far more challenging step was figuring out a way to get to our Fire Island beach house and spending some time there. Getting to Fire Island involves just about every mode of transportation except a hot air balloon — buses, trains, taxi and finally a ferry boat. Staying there, away from the comfort zone of my bedroom, for seven days is a big deal. With the help of Denis, I managed to conquer both challenges and felt liberated.

After we came back from Fire Island, I noticed a few of Ursula’s leaves were losing strength, and the new leaves were coming out low in their green color. I went back to the internet and found out the culprit was a lack of light. We live in a dark apartment, so
I needed to find a new home for Ursula. It was a matter of karma for me. I bought Ursula in the middle of a big life challenge. Now, the next challenge was to find a new home for her and save her life.

After a few days back in New York City, we went to eat at our local Indian restaurant, owned by our friend Sammy. Sammy was in the process of expanding his restaurant to include a spacious extension to his dining room and adding a lovely bar area. There were still areas under construction, but I noticed he had brought in a few lovely, decorative, large plants for the renovated sections of the restaurant. There were beautiful palm trees and hibiscus potted bushes with gorgeous red and yellow blooms.

Sammy’s wife came to say hello, and we chatted a little about her beautiful new plants. Denis came up with the idea of offering Ursula to Sammy’s wife. When we offered Ursula to Sammy, he jokingly said, “If your plant is in need of love, we will give her a
home. Don’t worry, Hindus are good with plants.”

It was a big relief for both of us. We agreed to bring Ursula to her new home right after finishing our early dinner. Ursula is a big plant, so Denis dug out my old, non-motorized
wheelchair to transport her to her new home at Sammy’s. (Clever idea, she looked very comfy.) As I watched Denis and Ursula cross our front door for the last time, on her way to her new home, I had a poignant insight. The lesson of my three efforts was right in front of my eyes.

Sometimes, we have to learn to “let go” of circumstances in life that are tying us down or causing us stress. Those fears can become bars in a self-imposed cage around us. I loved Ursula, loved having her around and seeing her every day. But I knew her health and well-being were at stake, so it was time to go. My liberty to move around freely and far without fear were at stake when my Gay Pride Parade and Fire Island challenges came up. I did what had to be done and by doing so, I pried the bars off my cage. I left my predictable “comfort zone” and explored the outside world.

I gave away and let go of Ursula in order to save her life. Sometimes we just have to let go, breathe and be confident that no effort or good deed will be fruitless if it’s done for the ultimate reason — to live. From now on, the “pursuit of happiness” will be my lofty goal. I think that’s a nice way of exercising my will to keep on fighting.

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Originally published: November 27, 2016
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