Please Stop Asking This Question About My Infertility Treatment

When you go through a fertility journey, there are things that will be unique to your own experience physically, mentally and emotionally. However, if you’re going through IVF or fertility preservation, there are some things that will be similar, like the process of an egg retrieval. For those who aren’t familiar, an egg retrieval is when you stimulate your body with hormones in the hopes to grow as many matured eggs in one cycle to be stored or fertilized to create embryos.

I personally have endured nine egg retrievals due to diminished ovarian reserve and endometriosis. I’ve had cancelled cycles, cycles that produced only one egg, cycles that have produced over 10 eggs, and everywhere in between over the last six years. And each time I’ve gone through this process, there is one question that is inevitably asked the day of your egg retrieval, or it’s a version a version of this question. How many eggs did they retrieve? Or how many did they get? What was the outcome?

I’m here to beg you, stop asking this question. It might seem like a natural follow-up to someone who’s going through this process, but from personal experience and talking to others in the infertility community, it can be an emotional trigger for someone who’s already endured an incredibly difficult road to get to retrieval day.

Here are some issues with this question:

You have no control and the answer isn’t really up to you. One thing I’ve learned is that outside of taking your injections as instructed, living a healthy lifestyle and trusting your protocol is right for you, you have no control if things will work. You have no control over how many eggs your body can produce and how many are retrieved.

The work and effort are the same. Regardless of the number, the amount of work and effort that goes into the entire stimming process is the same. It’s hard work to inject yourself daily, keep up with appointments and blood draws and ride the emotional rollercoaster. By asking this question it can actually induce a feeling of failure.

Regardless of the number, it’s not the final answer. If you are creating embryos, you’ve got a long six days ahead of waiting day by day to see how things play out. It can also create a false reality. If you have high numbers, you don’t necessarily know if it’ll be high quality.

Are you prepared to respond? If the person you’re asking doesn’t have a great number to share, do you know the right way to respond and provide comfort? Unless you’ve been through fertility treatment or is close with someone who has, it can be hard to find those words.

You might have the best intentions and feel like asking about the number shows that you’re interested and invested. But I’m here to tell you that there are other ways to show you care.

Here’s what you can say instead:

How are you feeling? An easy one but this one can often be overlooked.

Do you want to talk? Most people have no idea of what it takes to get to retrieval day. How many doctors appts, how many blood draws, how many vaginal ultrasounds, how many tears. Ask if they want to talk about their experience over the last two weeks. They will share if they want to share.

Can I bring over a meal or a treat? Sometimes when people ask, “do you need anything?” I usually say no because it’s easier. The act of doing something without being told actually can speak volumes. If you’re afar, send a card or message of support and love.

If all else fails, words of encouragement can go a long way or even messages that show you’re thinking of them.

And if you’re the one going through treatment…

Now, let’s say you’re asked the numbers question, but you’re not sure how to respond. My advice is to say some version of the following:

Thanks for asking and I think it’s best to share when I’m ready to talk about it.

This has been a difficult few weeks and just trying to focus on my recovery right now. Thank you for offering to support me in that.

We are really pleased with how things are progressing, and I’m feeling good.

On the flipside you could say, we were hoping for better results and will share with you when we are ready.

These statements can also hold true at any point in your journey. Share what you’re willing to share and don’t feel obligated to give people an update if you’re not ready to give one.

It doesn’t take a mathematician to recognize that the greater the numbers the more potential chances at success. But there are so many things that can go right or wrong throughout this entire process and so many things can’t be controlled. The only thing we can do is be kind to those who are in the fight and lift them up when we can. And one way to help with that is to stop asking about the outcomes and start asking about the human who is navigating this incredibly difficult journey.