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how the Duggar trial affected me so profoundly
Part 1 of 2 The Duggar trial and the plethora of information to be found has proved to be an obsession for me. As a survivor of CSA and rape, I have read, watched and listened to anything and everything about the trial, verdict and the aftermath. Somehow I thought watching him be convicted and incarcerated would bring me some kind of “closure”. It didn’t. The person who abused me as a small child was technically a child as well. I told a social worker at school when I was nine. He was not yet eighteen, but close, He was convicted as a minor and sent to a “boys home” for psychiatric treatment for a year or so. He was allowed to finish High school. He was gifted with a college education. He was able to marry a woman with small children and was later allowed to foster and adopt vulnerable children from foster care. He is a “pillar” of his business community and his so-called christian community. He is also a child molester. He violated my body and soul in terrible ways. I was a very small child. I was clearly and firmly prepubescent and he was not. He is a bad person who did terrible things and has been rewarded and given everything by society. I got nothing, except a lifetime of PTSD and #Infertility. “Justice” was served I guess. My suffering and the execution of my childhood mean nothing. The enormous economic, psychological, relational and physical toll I have been forced to endure and suffer are inconsequential and meaningless. I’m guess i’m just being dramatic and “jumping on the metoo bandwagon”as far as most are concerned. All the opportunities that were destroyed and stolen by him don’t matter and I should “stop playing the victim”.
Society at large refuses to care or recognize the damage done by those who delight in the soul murder of children. They blame survivors, young and old, and demonize us for having any reaction except silence or capitulation to their feelings and their imagined narratives about us and our #Abuse. They demand we never show the negative repercussions we live with, every single day. They demand to know why we “let it happen” and didn’t go to police and subject ourselves and families to the injustice of the system. They call us “bad witnesses” and feel sorry for and make excuses for our violators. They demand we navigate society “normally” while never providing any real help to us. They blame us for failing to engage fully in life , for being unable to recognise or trust in opportunities presented, for becoming addicts or mentally ill and call us weak or lazy for it. They can’t even handle hearing the details of what was done to us but we are weak for being unable to be “normal” while we had to live it. Those horrific things Josh Duggar had on his computer are the things he did or wanted to do to small children. These things are the things real people do to real children, every day, and record it for posterity. Children who are abused have to live with all of it in their memories, brains and bodies, every single moment they continue to breath. This is reality. We don’t get to close our minds or ears to the horror, and neither should society.
People who perpetrate, fund or enable #Abuse, like Josh Duggar and his community who enabled him, need to be held accountable. All of them. The lifelong treatment required for victims to thrive must be fully funded and made available. Society must truly denounce and stop enabling the rape of children by meeting out real justice and funding the real and proven (not some undereducated, unlicensed non #Trauma informed “spiritual counseling”) #Trauma therapy and lifelong support all sexual #Trauma survivors need and deserve. Perpetrators and the people who purchase, possess or even look at this material should receive long prison sentences and mandatory lifetime sex offender registration and treatment. They should earn their freedom only when their victims no longer suffer from negative repercussions and they have taken full and honest accountability for every single act and offense they committed against their victims and society. They must be held to account every time a survivor of their willful and purposeful soul murder has a #MentalHealth setback or physical issue caused by their choices. They should NEVER be allowed to live with or adopt any children, ever. Maybe then we can stop them. Maybe then fewer children will be permanently scarred by this #Abuse. Maybe then children could be saved and maybe then, survivors w
What they don't tell you in Sex-Ed..
Part 1 of 2 Throughout my school years I attended many #sexedclasses they all covered different aspects however all had a very common theme in them which was “If you have #Sex without protection you WILL get pregnant” they went into great details about safe sex and how to practice it, they even spoke about options if you were to fall pregnant, and the help and support out there.I’m 25yrs old and I have carried those lessons around with me in my head for years but not because what I learned from them but because of what they were lacking, you see the word #Infertility never came up in those lessons, what it was or why it happened, never mind support for it. Instead I learned the word as I watched my older siblings battle against it as #Infertilitycame banging on their doors yet I was still absolutely clueless on the full meaning until it came banging on mine last year.Since then I’ve been on this journey that I was not prepared for, I’m in a rollercoaster that has sharp bends and big loops yet my seatbelt does not do up instead I’m having to hold on as tight as I can and try to grab supplies to fix my belt just as I’m collecting knowledge about this unknown subject a subject that I should of been taught on.What to do when you want to start a family yet your haunted with negatives every month?How to accurately track your ovulation days and how many days your cycles are?What to do if your not in a #Relationships but you want to become a Mummy? And the stigma around it?Information about sperm donorsInformation about IVFThe anger and grief you go through everyday and how it comes in waves and some of the waves can knock you down for what seems like weeks..How to deal with the overwhelming guilt you feel when you feel such pain when a family member or friend announces they are expectingConstant Dr appointments and the tests with the exact same responses “try to loose weight” “your time will come” “your still young you got time”Feeling such a type of broody that it actually hurtsMy life has become a draw full of pre-pregnancy supplants, ovulation tests, pregnancy tests, ovulation/period tracking tools, donor information, tables and charts and notes and Dr letters. I’m having to learn about all about this while living through it however I know exactly how to put a condom on and the different types of contraceptions there are and my rights if I wanted to terminated so why didn’t I know anything about #Infertility, how didn’t I know that #Infertility affects 84% of couples and half of women, how didn’t I know that there are so many different types of #Infertility ranging from just taking a long time to get pregnant to illnesses such as #PolycysticOvarySyndrome, how didn’t I know that the fact that I didn’t start my period till I was 18 could have something to do with my now issues to conceive, how didn’t I know that sometimes I won’t get a period but not because I’m pregnant but because my hormone levels can’t regulate, how didn’t I know that at just 25yrs old I would be experiencing isolating nightmare.I think that’s the main thing people forget to tell you about the trying to conceive journey is how #lonely it is, I struggle to connect with my peers because of how cut of this journey has made me, I feel like I’m in a prison where #Infertility are the bars while I’m looking through watching my friends and family live their lives, lives without negative tests, appointments, draw fulls of supplants and failed tests, baby clothes that stay in the closet for what may even be forever and there is nothing they or anyone can say to make this better.I wish they would of mentioned this all in sex ed, honestly that could of put people off the idea of reproducing all together because I wouldn’t wish this journey on anyone but at least I would of been prepared and that I wouldn’t have to be battling blind through this beast. #Infertility and trying to conceive needs to be spoken about more and it needs to be a conversation that is had at schools that
What they don't tell you in Sex-Ed..
Not a teenage, skinny white girl
“Wait? Are you going to eat that? You’ll gain weight!” “Congratulations, you’ve lost weight – now lose some more and then you’ll be happy”. These are some thoughts, people with #AnorexiaNervosa may experience, and I wanted to help spread awareness of the topic. I have suffered from an #EatingDisorders – anorexia, and It’s the eating disorder I feel most able to talk about. However, we mustn’t forget that despite anorexia being the most publicized, it’s by no means the only eating disorder, or necessarily the most dangerous, and all eating disorders are serious and require help and intervention, and only 10% of diagnosed eating disorders are Anorexia Nervosa.
When you think of anorexia, what do you think of? A skinny girl? Someone on a diet that’s gone too far. Someone who wants attention. Let me tell you this. Anorexia is rarely any of these. It’s not the often depicted skinny, teenage white girl who has ultimate self-control, anorexia is overweight people of color, middle-aged men, healthy-weight women, and takes in every shape and form- it’s a state of mind, not a look. The media often glamourises anorexia, making it seem like ‘the perfect diet’, bombarding our social media feed with ‘how to lose a stone in a day’ or people showing off their perfect breakfast, of a glass of lemon water with a side of air captioning it ‘big breakfast today!’
This is not anorexia, anorexia is hell. I’ve missed many social occasions and I’ve broken trust, and that doesn’t even begin to describe the impact of anorexia on my life. Nothing, absolutely nothing is glamorous about that. I’ve had doctors tell me I was just killing myself, meanwhile, I was thinking about how I could get away with skipping my next meal.
It controls your life. So don’t for one minute think anorexia is self-control. It’s being so out of control that you care more about depriving yourself of food than anything else in the world. I’ve lied to people that were just trying to help and support me in the past, just so I could please an illness that was trying to kill me. What’s so glamorous about that? And I would go to extreme lengths to comply with the illness, to please its demands.
Not all people with anorexia are emaciated (in fact 97% of those with eating disorders are not underweight). Not all calorie count, excessively exercise, purge, wear baggy clothes or have fear foods. You can have anorexia, and not have/do any of those things. Eating disorders are so individual, and BMI should never determine an eating disorder diagnosis. It’s an eating disorder, not a weight disorder. Someone’s weight says nothing about how much or little they are struggling.
The reality of anorexia, is hair loss, #Infertility , extreme coldness, #Insomnia , tiredness, and you know what? 1 in 10 die from it. As I said before, what’s glamorous about that? And if someone with anorexia hasn’t been hospitalized, force-fed, impatient etc, they are equally as valid, equally as in need of help. Anorexia can be lonely people on online forums competing to be the illest. Anorexia can be falling so behind in education that you feel you’ll never catch up, anorexia is not dramatic. Anorexia is your life slowly falling apart, piece by piece until you have quite literally lost everything you once had. Anorexia is so many things, but please do not portray it as the skinny white girl in magazines.
The media doesn’t necessarily cause all eating disorders or is the absolute sole cause of them, but they certainly normalise disordered eating. Why should I care what user2737482 on Instagram is having for dinner? I need to nourish my body, as do you, and that’s that.
If you take away one thing from this article, let it be that you never know what someone is going through, and don’t make any assumptions about people’s mental state by their appearance, but if we treat each other will compassion and love, we can’t go too far wrong 🙂
Prolactin and Antipsychotics
Little background - I've always had irregular periods but for the past two or three years I've only had like 7 periods, if that. So I finally went to a gyno and they did a blood test of hormones and my prolactin came back super high, which can stop periods and cause infertility. Turns out antipsychotics can cause this, my question is - what's my alternative? I need it but I'm having an adverse reaction.
Need someone to talk to…
6 months waiting list for DBT
My partner and I just moved to a new state and I’ve been really wanting to do DBT. Where we lived before, there wasn’t much to offer there. So moving was great for me in that sense. But nobody can get me in so I’m on a 6 month waiting list. My BPD is getting worse. I’m dealing with infertility at 34 and the depression and the anxiety has spiked worse than it has in years. I was told by a therapist I’m on the low end of the spectrum of BPD. Meaning most my BPD symptoms come out during romantic relationships. So I’ve never been a cutter. But lately, I’ve attempted it. I started with just clawing my wrist to now, I’ve attempted it but haven’t actually done it. I need help and have no one to turn to. Can anyone suggest to me how I can help myself until I can start the DBT therapy. I can’t live like this anymore.