When You Realize You Don't Have 'High-Functioning' Depression Anymore

I showered today.

I was sitting at work and realized I couldn’t remember the last time I had showered. It’s embarrassing, but it’s the truth.

I suffer from major depressive disorder; I’m functional most of the time, but that doesn’t mean I don’t struggle. I work full-time, I laugh and smile and if you asked anyone, they would probably say I was doing alright. But really, I show up to work everyday with a deep feeling of sadness, a body that can barely lift a finger and hair that hasn’t been washed in days.

I’ve wondered lately whether I’m past the point of being functional because sometimes the sadness becomes too much and I feel like I can’t breathe anymore. I feel like I’m dying rather than living. I feel like I can’t feel anymore. I used to feel everything: every breath, every word, every face, every emotion, until it was too much. Now, I just feel like my lungs are filling with air because they need to and not because they want to and I’m just going through the motions without really knowing what I’m doing.

So when do we go from “functional” to “not functional”? When do we cross that line or rather, when do we fall forward over it? How can we take care of ourselves and feel better without feeling like a failure?

When you see someone with unwashed hair or maybe wearing the same clothes two days in a row, please remember to be kind above anything else. Don’t judge a book by its cover because not every illness or struggle is visible.