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My Mind's Ongoing 'War' Between Hopelessness and the Pursuit of Happiness

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Editor’s note: If you struggle with suicidal thoughts, the following post could be potentially triggering. You can contact the Crisis Text Line by texting “START” to 741-741.

The first thing that crosses my mind as I wake up to the alarm clock is I want this day to be over.

I want to fast forward until it’s time to go to sleep again. Sadly that fantasy never comes true, so I must get out of bed.

And so the day starts.

Slowly, a pitch black sadness begins to cover me, like a blanket. The fight with myself.

As I drive to college, I daydream about crashing my car full-speed in the tunnel I cross every day.

I know an impact at more than 80 kilometers an hour is almost fatal.

I tell myself to wait, to postpone the fatal ending until September, after my birthday.

I’ll see what happens then.

As I sit in class, the lecture given by the teacher dissolves into unintelligible sounds as I think, “We are on the fourth floor. The fall from here is approximately 25 meters.” 

I fantasize about falling, and experiencing freedom as I plummet to the ground.

The class ends, and while I grasp all its meaning, I can’t seem to enjoy it as I used to.

As I eat dinner in my house, I glance to the laundry room and see the bottle of bleach, lying there seductively — almost inviting me.

And so it goes, on and on.

I cope with these kind of thoughts every day. They are not desires, but primal impulses that originate from a dark part of me.

However, I try to find the resolve to be happy, against all odds, regardless of what’s written in my genes or whatever neurotransmitters my brain lacks.

There is an ongoing war within my mind, between hopelessness and the pursuit of happiness.

As with all wars, sometimes a battle is lost and sometimes won, but what matters at the end is the final outcome.

I need to keep on fighting. I refuse to be defined and doomed by this illness.

As I lay in bed at night, I tell myself I don’t know what will come for me tomorrow, but today I won the battle. 

If you or someone you know needs help, see our suicide prevention resources.

If you need support right now, call the Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-8255.

Originally published: July 16, 2016
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