What the Show 'A Million Little Things' Means to Me as Someone With Depression

“A Million Little Things” is about a group of friends that gets motivated to question their own lives when their closest friend, John, dies by suicide. They are left with so many questions, pain and anger that is followed by introspection.

Over the last few years, a lot of social media movements have gone viral empowering women to speak up regarding sexual abuse, assault and mental health. Friendly protests have been organized to raise awareness about these important issues with strong and fearless advocates such as Ashley Judd, Viola Davis, Demi Lovato, Glen Close and many more. The voices of abused and shamed female victims have become a force to reckoned with. However, men are very much part of the fight against domestic violence, sexual abuse, breast cancer, addiction and mental illness as well. And that is what why I love this show. Each male character plays a vital role in portraying insecurities and battles that fly under the radar because oftentimes men aren’t open to talking about their struggles.

I want to focus on one character in particular, Rome (played by Romany Malco). Rome is the eldest brother from a black family, has a very successful career in advertising, has a strong and loving marriage and a beautiful wife. They work hard and live smart with their money which all pays off so they live comfortably in a beautiful apartment in a good neighborhood. Their life seems “perfect.”

But in one of the very first scenes we see of Rome, he is signing his suicide note. However, he is stopped seconds before his attempt by the news that his friend, John, died by suicide that morning. Rome’s struggles with so much guilt, denial, confusion and self-hatred because he is struggling with being depressed because he has “no reason” to be. He feels he is not a worthy husband, useless as an eldest son and provider because he has it all and still he feels so empty and depressed. He doesn’t want to ask for help because he feels so ashamed — he does not even reveal any of this pain to his wife.

Mental illness does not discriminate. The fact of the matter is depression can affect anyone; it does not matter what your ethnic background, social or economic welfare, sex or age is.

My life certainly has not been easy and I have had so many painful moments in my life. However, I have also have been blessed with a fortunate upbringing, had the privileged to attend university and have loving and supportive parents that have always been there no matter what. My depression started taking serious form when I was about 15. I didn’t understand what was happening to me and I certainly didn’t recognize I had a mental illness that could be treated and maintained.

For the next 10 years, I made choices that only spiraled me further into the dark, empty and torturous pit of depression, toxic relationships, addiction and self-harm. I want people to know you don’t get depressed because you are ungrateful about your life. A lot of people are not educated about the intricacy of mental health and will tell you things like, “You have so much to live for,” “Be happy about what you have, don’t focus on what you don’t have” and the classic, “There are so many people that are worse off than you and are making the most of life.” That is where the guilt sets in, but we don’t choose to be depressed. Depression is an extremely complex disorder. No one knows exactly what causes it, but it can be impacted by many things: abuse, death or a loss, genetics, major life events, serious illness or other personal problems.

As the story progresses it is revealed that Rome’s depression is hereditary (as it is with mine). His dad has been struggling with depression as well. This was only revealed when he started to talk about his own struggles.

It is OK not to be OK, just open up to someone. Many women love to talk. Women are more likely than men to talk about the struggles and how they feel to their mother, a friend, their hairdresser — anyone. Men often struggle to communicate their feelings. Many men are “fixers” and they would rather tackle the problem themselves and if they can’t solve it, they might bury it far away so it isn’t “real” and they don’t have to face the unknown.

For Rome, it took years, an almost-suicide attempt and a friend’s suicide to finally open up about his struggle with depression. I’m grateful the stigma around mental illness is diminishing every day and there is so much help and support out there. There is nothing wrong with admitting you need help and support for not feeling OK, regardless of your circumstances. The first step is always the hardest but if you have taken it, the road to wellness is possible.

Being in therapy and on medication doesn’t necessarily mean everything is fine. The process of finding the right psychiatrist and psychologist can be daunting and long sometimes. It takes time to connect and trust your therapist, and opening up so many wounds make the struggle with depression even harder.

Sometimes it feels like you made things worse by opening up. Sometimes you wish you never opened the can of worms and you just left things the way they were — anything is better than the pain you are going through now.

Finding the right combination of medication can also be a long road and you don’t feel better overnight. The medication takes a couple of weeks to take effect and almost always there are some side effects. What works for one person, may not work for you. You might get through the side effects only to come to the agreement with your psychiatrist that maybe this combination is not right for you and you start the process all over again. If you do eventually get the correct balance there are still side effects you may have to deal with — they often just feel like the lesser of the multiple evils you had to choose from.  

When Rome goes on medication, he loses his sex drive. As a man, this is really painful for him to deal with and cannot even communicate this to his wife. He feels “lesser of a man” because he cannot be a good lover to her. Having to go from having a healthy sex life to not feeling any desire for it is heartbreaking. You really want to feel that physical connection with your partner and make them feel loved and wanted. You feel angry because depression has stolen so much from your life already and now what is supposed to help you feel better is just taking more of it.   There are no quick fixes and treatment takes a lot of patience, support and strength.

Suicide is usually not a choice made “all of a sudden.” When a loved one dies by suicide it is devastating. Those left behind have so many questions and emotions. So many times, I have heard people say, “How did I not see this coming?” Attempting suicide is most often a desperate and hopeless act. You have reached such a place of darkness and pain that you cannot explain it to anyone. You feel like death has overcome you already, you feel empty and worthless.

Being a suicide attempt survivor myself, I will never forget what it feels like to be in that black hole that no matter how much you claw and fight to get out your attempts is just futile. Suicide is not about dying. I believe we all want to live, we just don’t want to live this way. We put in the effort and try to get better but at some point, the emptiness and pain just becomes so unbearable that no reason in the world seems to be enough anymore. You reach this despairing place not because of that one or three or 10 things that have brought you to your knees — it is a million little things.