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To My Mother, Who Loves Me on My Worst Days With Depression

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When I’m anxious or in dark space, surrounded by nothing but anger and sadness from my depression, I snap at you. You could ask me a question and my tongue acts faster than my brain does. I use words like daggers and throw them at you, but I’m not really aiming for you. I have all of these dark feelings, and there’s no where for them to go, and so often they hit you.

And you’re amazing for still loving me on my worst days. You’re amazing because even though in the beginning when neither of us really understood what was happening to me, and you were angry at me, you were still there. You still loved me when I was hard to love.

You made me get help when I was falling apart. You took me to doctor’s appointments, and bought me the medications that saved my life. When school became too much, you picked me up and let me try again the next day.

You got frustrated, but you held me as I cried. You did everything you could to make me feel better, and I know that when that wasn’t enough, you blamed yourself, but I want you to know you shouldn’t. My brain isn’t working in my best interests right now, and that’s not your fault. It’s never been your fault.

Thank you for being my mom, and thank you for loving me even though it’s hard sometimes. Thank you for loving me on days when everything irritates me. Thank you for loving me on the days where the only thing I can do is cry, and most of all, thank you for loving me every day.

Getty image via SVPhilon

Originally published: January 31, 2018
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