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How My Boss Helped My Fears About Taking Time Off for Mental Health

The most helpful emails in health
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Just over a year ago, I was a dynamic, energetic and enthusiastic teacher. Passionate about my job, I placed huge importance on being efficient, organized and flexible and I rarely took time off. As a Year Leader of four classes, I expected the same of my team. In the name of improving, progressing and innovating, there wasn’t much time for listening or for being empathetic.

That was incredibly hard to write. And to admit. At the time, I thought I was a good leader. No doubt, in some ways, I was. Of course, it’s good to be committed and to strive for success. But, during the hardest year of my life — in which I have fallen apart mentally — I have realized that there was not enough balance, either for myself or for my team. That lack of listening and of empathy was actually incredibly significant. I didn’t know it at the time. It’s taken a long time for me to get there.

A large part of my drive came from my boss. The headteacher of my school is dynamic, energetic and ambitious. I believed that anything less wouldn’t be good enough. So that was what I strove for too.

So when I was diagnosed with post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) and depression, having been mentally healthy all my life, her reaction was a major concern to me. I was initially told I’d be off work for four weeks. I was horrified. Four weeks! How could I possibly leave my class and my team for that long? My naivety seems laughable now!

Ashamed as I was about not being at work, I have never felt ashamed about my diagnoses. I sent my headteacher an email explaining what was wrong in a desperate effort to convince her that I did actually need to be off work. I was terrified of what her response would be, fearing it would be dismissive or cold.

When this appeared in my inbox, my fears disappeared:

“It takes courage to begin to process the impact of these kinds of experiences and I acknowledge you in being brave enough to start to face it all.

You need to prioritize yourself at the moment — all will still be ticking along at work ready for when you feel back on track. There is absolutely no rush and no need for you to worry about school.

So, take your time. Enjoy walking the dog, being a mum, chilling out, staring into space… whatever you need to do — it’ll be very well worth it in the long term.”

I was so relieved and grateful. Despite her drive and ambition, the headteacher I admired so much had just acknowledged that it was OK to take time out for mental health. The fact I hadn’t expected her to be so understanding made it seem all the more significant.

Receiving that email was just the beginning of me realizing how important it is that people truly listen and show empathy. I’ve benefitted from endless similar experiences since, when my husband, my family, my friends and my therapist have simply listened to my confused and jumbled thoughts without judgment. Every single time that has happened, it’s been so precious to me. And, time after time, it’s slowly taught me how I can be a better listener and how I can show empathy too.

This week, a friend whom I’m not very close to popped by on the off chance for a chat. I wasn’t home. As I re-read her message, I couldn’t shake the feeling that there was more to it than it seemed. So I suggested meeting for a coffee the following day to which she replied “wonderful.” When we met, I was a little nervous. We’d never done this. Would conversation be awkward? In the past, I would have leaped in with constant babble about not very much to prevent any awkward silences. On this occasion though, I simply asked, “how are you?” I sat back, ready to listen.

For an hour, she talked. She’d read my blogs and appreciated them. And needed to share. I listened. I made the odd suggestion but I didn’t jump in every 10 seconds, thinking I had a quick fix to everything. A year ago, I would have done just that — striven to fix and then to move on. Listening felt good. Feeling her relax and open up even more felt good too. Realizing how much I’d changed for the better felt great. Receiving this message a few hours later made me feel so proud:

The “beautiful present” was a notebook and pens to record how she, as a mother of four, is going to prioritize and treat herself. So simple. That was another tip I’ve learned this year. Never forget to prioritize number one!

A year on, after a couple of false starts, I’m finally about to go back to work. I am so much better. I feel ready. I am excited, fairly nervous and hopeful it will go well.

Above all, however, I want to go back and be a listener and an empathizer to students and colleagues at work, and to family and friends at home.

If I have “only” learned the importance of that during this intensely difficult journey, then I know my headteacher was right. It has been “very well worth it in the long term.”

Getty Images photo via monkeybusinessimages. Text message image via contributor.

Originally published: January 8, 2018
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