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To My Future Boyfriend: Thank You for Understanding My Depression and Anxiety

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Dear Future Boyfriend,

Hey… hey there. Um, this is going to sound weird but I’m actually not sure you’re real. I’m honestly still questioning why you continue to stick with me. There are moments, ones where you take my breath away or make me smile or cry with me, that I second-guess our entire relationship. It took so long for me to love myself enough to even think about adding another person to that list, but as soon as I got to know you I knew. People like you don’t just come along.

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Thank you. Thank you for putting up with being forced to do musical theater duets in the car. Thank you for ordering pizza at 2 a.m. Thank you for holding me back when I yell at the TV when Sam and Dean from “Supernatural” do something silly Thank you for helping me remember to take my antidepressants. Thank you for comforting me when I have a terribly vivid dream. Thank you for asking me what I need when my anxiety gets the better of me. Thanks for recognizing that my “loud voice” is just a cover for an unbearable amount of nerves. Thank you for letting my ADHD finish your sentence one too many times.

You have consistently made sure that the wait staff knows about my food allergies; you always know when I need to be spirited away from a conversation with a toxic person who doesn’t understand what I’m going through. You are not perfect, and I’m not perfect, but we understand that about each other and press ahead anyways.

Thank you. For telling me when I’m being a bossy princess just because I can, and for recognizing the difference between me being a jerk and me micromanaging everything so that I feel more in control. Thank you. For letting me talk your ear off about who would win in a hypothetical fight between Captain America and Captain Marvel because I need someone to listen while my brain moves faster than my mouth does.

Thank you for recognizing the intent of – and not the content in – my words and actions first and foremost.

Whenever I meet a new group of people, sometimes — among the “favorite colors” or “weirdest foods” — comes up the question of pet peeves. My answer has been the same for a few years now – wasted or unseen potential. I am nearly religious when it comes to new opportunities. That’s both a blessing and a curse as you well know. But here’s why it matters: Please never stop seeing the potential in me.

There will be days when I will not want to get up out of bed. There will be days when I lose all focus. There will be days when I’ll chatter about nothing because I don’t know how else to handle life. And there’s where I’ll need you — to tell me it’ll be OK, to go out on a walk. To show up with mechanical pencils and a notebook so I can be creative instead of destructive. To be what I need. And in return I promise the same to you. I’m an extrovert. I thrive off of close relationships with people. There will be bad days. But there will be amazing weeks where I become like the image I’m so good at presenting (and you’re so good at seeing through). Those times will be full of adventure, of Polaroid pictures and exotic foods and pillow fights and enjoying life with someone who sees your flaws and loves you anyway.

As I’m writing this, I’m single. I’m terribly afraid of talking to guys. I think that my “loud voice” and my Marvel aficionadoness and my life in general will make me single forever. I think that I’m too much to handle. My anxiety makes me second-guess every conversation that my ADHD messed up and my depression makes me think that — because of who I am — I deserve to be alone forever.

Thank you for proving me wrong. Thank you for being as unapologetically yourself as I am when I’m with you. There are few people in this world that I trust with every single thing about myself and you’re one of them. You’re truly my greatest ally, my strongest supporter and my best friend. In the words of Captain America to his best friend, “I’m with you, ‘til the end of the line.”

Thinkstock via Grandfailure

Originally published: March 1, 2017
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