Why I’m Done Searching for What's 'Wrong' With Me

I’ve always felt like there was something wrong with me. When I am depressed, I feel this even more strongly.

As a result of this belief, I continuously search the internet like a treasure hunter at the beach combing the shore with a metal detector. But I’m not searching for treasure. I’m looking to prove there is something wrong with me. And to fix what is wrong with me. And to figure out why there is something wrong with me.

My search isn’t just confined to the Internet. It also spans libraries and bookstores. Digital and print. Searching for answers.

Hiding underneath my unending search is the belief I am broken, damaged, irreparable — that I need to be fixed in order to be whole. That in this state, I am not enough, and I will only be enough when I find the answers. As long as I believe I need to be fixed, I cannot accept myself as I am. I cannot heal.

And I’m giving up.

I’m quitting the search. I will no longer search for the problem, assuming I am broken. I will no longer come home with stacks of books that I read and feel bad about the things from my past I cannot change. I will no longer torture myself reading about the parenting I didn’t receive and the parenting I didn’t provide. I will no longer operate under the notion I am damaged and need to be fixed.

From now on, I will no longer scour the Internet or the library or the boo store or Amazon for answers. From now on, I will rely on me. I am going to listen to my intuition. I am going to trust myself. I am going to practice just being. I am going to accept myself, all of myself, just as I am. I am going to stop searching for ways to fix myself and just allow myself to heal.

I will depend on my beautiful, complex, creative self who, even in the darkest times, has not given up. I am no longer going to look to the outside to find what is wrong with me. I am going to delve into the inside to find what makes me feel happy and complete and whole. I am done believing otherwise.