This One Is for Anyone Who Dislikes Themselves

This one is for anyone who dislikes themselves.

This isn’t one of those uplifting “you shouldn’t hate yourself because X, Y, Z” articles, but rather a “hey, I get it and feel that way too” kind.

I find myself periodically confiding in my husband how much I dislike myself as a human, as well as my entire existence. First of all, big mistake. He doesn’t hear these thoughts as they are in my mind, but rather how they sound to a person who doesn’t struggle with self-loathing.

His response is usually to just tell me I must be feeling low, as if I don’t have any other reasons to have emotions unless it involves my mental illnesses. The most recent rebuttal I got from him was that my reasons are not true because I am not a murderer, or thief, or any of the other horrible terrible things people can do and be to make them a “bad person.” While I appreciate he doesn’t feel I would ever actually commit a terrible act, I also find it frustrating that he dismisses my shortcomings and how I feel about them because they don’t seem “so bad.”

I mean of course, and here is my “crazy” talking but, I want him to think I’m the greatest person he’s ever known — however, I also want him to see my issues as they are and just understand they are real to me.

For those of you who have struggled with feelings of self-hate, I am here to tell you that even though I don’t know you as a person, your feelings and thoughts are valid and I believe you have these concerns.

Insert, “You are so amazing, and you have such a beautiful life to live, you shouldn’t think so terribly of yourself,” here.

I don’t want this to seem like I am not encouraging others to love themselves, but instead I hope this is perceived as me justifying your emotions as real emotions that aren’t just a result of your mental illness(es) and that I relate… on so many levels!

Here’s a short summary list of things I dislike about myself:

• I feel inadequate that I can’t have a full-time job, be a good wife and a good mom.
• I feel extreme amounts of guilt that I can’t function like “normal” people who can work so very hard and yet still be able to give so much of themselves to their families, as well as themselves!
• I hate that as a result of not being able to do these things, I can’t give all of myself to my husband. I don’t cook, I can’t tidy up or help with homework, I barely can bathe my child and help her to bed after working a full day. Nearly every night I refuse intimacy because I have no libido from being overstimulated and exhausted. This means I not only don’t contribute much as a family, but I also don’t show him the love and attention he deserves.
• I feel selfish and ungrateful because I don’t want to work, or should I say, have a hard time with it. I don’t want to work, like most people don’t, but it isn’t because I’m lazy. It’s because I struggle to co-exist, and even simply to exist at all. This leads to feelings of being a bad wife because I expect all of our financial burden to be left to my husband. This means I don’t show him enough support and companionship as a partner for life should.
• I hate… hate, hate, hate… that my daughter is affected by my illnesses in any way, shape or form. She’s far too young and loving to be so understanding yet heartbroken every time I tell her I’m not feeling well and need to rest instead of playing, reading to her, etc.

I literally could continue this list for hours, but I believe the point has been made. I don’t like myself for who I am, and unfortunately, at least right now, feel like I cannot change. I can’t change the fact that I can’t balance working, mommy-ing, wife-ing and self-caring. Things that seem so effortless for other women seem like Mount Everest to me with every waking moment of my day.

So, while I continue to toil with my own shortcomings, I hope you can know that I understand you, you’re not alone and you just have to continue to do the best you can with what you have to offer.