When the ‘Little Things’ Add Up as a Person With a Mental Illness
This is my life. I am happy to report I can’t really think of any “big things” that have ever happened to me. I’ve been blessed and lucky this way and I am oh so grateful. And… here it comes… I still struggle – a lot!
It’s frustrating. It’s my reality.
Whenever I crash or am triggered or meltdown (they look pretty similar), it’s always from a combination of “little things” adding up. That happens on quite a regular basis – as my friends and family can attest. And sometimes it feels ridiculous to share with others what has me crying uncontrollably or ruminating in my head. I feel like I can connect the dots, but usually can’t explain how I process them to others. I think being an extra sensitive person and a person with mental illness sometimes makes things that might be small or insignificant to others gargantuan in my mind. Not because I want it that way. I would love not to obsess over every “little thing.” I don’t think anyone wants to replay every situation over in their minds dissecting each and every way you might have screwed up.
I hope one day the “little things” in my world will stay little rather than exploding into and adding up to make major issues that derail my recovery. I am often envious of my friends, colleagues and family who seem to easily let things come and go and not get stuck at every small road-stop. One day, with enough medication and therapy and lots and lots of extremely hard work, maybe I’ll be able to do the same. I’d say it’s a possibility rather than a probability, and I’m still trying to have a little hope. Until then, I am working at cutting myself some slack when I get dis-regulated, and also trying not to care what other people think of how I am handling myself and my emotions. Those thoughts keep on coming and I am determined (most of the time) to shut them out.
I hope today to encounter “no things” except “wonderful things,” but intend to try to remember that ‘”little things” truly are just “little things.” Yeah, right!
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Devi Knapp is a mother, wife and art educator. With a depressive episode that began in the summer of 2014 Devi finally had to come to terms with the fact that she had been living with both anxiety and major depressive disorder for almost 30 years untreated. When not at work or with her family and friends she can be found in therapy, blogging about the ups and downs of living with mental illness (Yet Another Hot Mess), doing photography, reading or baking.
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