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I Love My Brain, Even When We Fight

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I love my brain, even when we fight.

Some days I have to remind myself that my brain is not my enemy. It does amazing things every day. It makes me “me” and lets me serve those around me. But it’s also messy. Sometimes frustratingly so.

And when things get messy…

I brush off people who open with, “hey, how are you?” because every socially-acceptable response of “I’m well, thanks” is yet another reminder that I am not in fact, well.

And sometimes I even snap at those close to me who ask ,“What’s up?” or “How was your day today?” Why? Most of the time I just don’t have it in me to come up with a superficial answer that slides over the truth. And I definitely don’t want to talk about how my day really was.

I close ranks. I shut out anyone not in the “inner circle.” I don’t do it intentionally. It just becomes so exhausting to pretend. Too easy not to write back.

I put on a good front. Most people would never know. And if you’ve never lived the mess, it’s hard to understand just how draining it is.

Just trying to keep up appearances and get by at work takes pretty much everything I’ve got. So basically every other aspect of my life takes a hit.

I have good days and not-so-good days. That’s just how it goes. And until I wake up, I won’t know which it will be.

The good news?

I don’t need you to fix it for me. (You can’t anyway.)

I just need you to be patient. To be there. I’m not trying to be difficult, but some days conversations are so taxing.

I need you to show up on my doorstep because if you text, chances are I’ll find an excuse not to.

I need you to be content drinking tea with me on the couch and watching TV rather than trying to convince me to go out somewhere.

I need you to know I’ll get there. It may take me a while. But I will get there. To where I no longer have to pretend. To where I no longer have to fight with my own brain.

In the meantime, please don’t give up on me. The logical part of my beautiful brain knows I’ll be worth it in the end.

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Thinkstock image by Ralwel

Originally published: December 9, 2016
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